Birthday Bonanza | Mary Traina

Rich & I Know How To Dance

2011-11-22T18:58:00.005-05:00

So do Jason & I...

And Andrew, Joe and I...

And Lindsy and I...

And this guy and I...

Fall 2011 is ending with a bang... I mean DANCE... and it warms my heart! Keep it up, music!

Martha Stewart Endorsed

2011-08-11T13:38:00.004-04:00

Never in a million years did I think I'd be on the Martha Stewart craft blog in my cut off shorts...

Learn Shibori here! If I can do it, so can you.

Darth Vader Don't Dance, He Just Pulls Up His Pants

2011-08-04T11:20:00.002-04:00

This is my new desk statue... and all it takes to make me extremely happy now days...

Comic Con 2011: We Remember

2011-08-04T00:34:00.015-04:00

This is a tshirt that I wanted badly (not badly enough to spend money on, though)

This is the crew - earnin' our trip. Very professional.

At night, off the clock, yuckin it up. Talkin' nerd stuff. Slightly less professional.

Comic Con is no place for swearing. If you swore you had to put your chin on the table, so... that's on Rachel. I'm allowed to judge her with my judging face.

It's Comic Con and Storm Troopers are my favorite!

It's San Diego and Mexican Food is my favorite!

Then we danced. It's not called the Robot out here it's called the Cylon.

I mastered my Party Rock Shuffle back at the hotel. This is the most lady like I looked the entire trip so I had to put it up here on my blog. To remember myself by.

I had my impression of Dave down to the T. He's my favorite person in the world to impersonate and also the only person I can impersonate (I don't do accents or try very hard).

I'm a proud American so I sing my heart out to Don't Stop Believin when it comes on in a bar.

Steve and I livin' the hard knock life, apparently. Nerdcore!

This is what it looked like to work a panel at Comic Con. This is a picture of 2,400 people.

The crew that never slept...

Waving our arms like spaghetti noodles... which is custom in San Diego.

Our last day, we headed out to the beach.

Looks like Mike was throwing that ball straight into the ocean. Maybe he was mad and didn't want anyone else to have fun, either... so he threw it away. That's just my hypothesis. But we should get mad at Mike, just in case I'm right.

We, of course, had a robe party on the last night. And like everything else on the trip, it got really weird really fast.

The Crew in front of the step and repeat.

Dave and I missed the picture with the crew in front of the step and repeat. So here is our consolation picture.

And now we're back in NY...

Back in Black (coffee)

2011-08-01T02:37:00.008-04:00

Tonight I am hopelessly wired. It was my choice to down a large ice coffee and a bag of Sour Patch Kids after my usual 6pm caffeine cut off, so I will take full credit for what is sure to be a miserable day tomorrow. MY BAD.

"It's not about pointing fingers, cowards do that and that ain't you!" - Rocky

So, as is usually the case when I can't sleep, I will write up a blog which is sure to put me to sleep. That's how you sell it, kid. "This blog will put you to sleep." Don't second guess me. I work in marketing so I would know best.

I just got back from a two week trip to Ohio (family reunion), San Diego (Comic Con for work) and Los Angeles (friends and Karaoke). It was the longest I've been away from New York since I moved here. I must have missed New York a lot because for the past few days, since I've gotten back, even the smell of the subway platforms makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe I've brought a bit of California back with me, too, cause I feel the urge to be very friendly and talkative with strangers. Except for last night when I was coming back home really late on the G train and a weird guy with his sweatpants tucked into his boots was staring at me. At that time I did not feel talkative and instead dreamed up a very detailed escape plan which would have involved throwing my folding bike at him and then, while he was recovering from the shock, strapping on my bike helmet, unfolding my bike, running up the stairs to the street with my bike under my arm and making a quick get away on my two wheels. I'm sure it would have worked flawlessly. Well, maybe not flawlessly... unfolding the bike might get a little clunky but I'm too cheap to just leave it! And I certainly can't consider shaving time off by losing the helmet. SAFETY FIRST!

This seems like a good point in the blog for a list.

THINGS I'VE DONE SINCE 11pm TONIGHT WHILE HOPPED UP ON SOUR PATCH KIDS:

1. Made iced coffee ice cubes

2. Made a lot of coffee (blue bottle drip style) which I then put into a jug in my fridge

3. Cleaned my entire apartment (which wasn't really dirty to begin with... and it's a studio... so really, ignore number 3 on this list... it was not a big deal)

4. Found some music/lyrics I wrote years ago and realized I was wiser then than I am now

5. Filled out my "American Community Survey," which should be good news for those of you in the census bureau

6. Wrote out my rent check, set up some automatic bill pay action, figured out my budget for next month, blah blah blah I'm an adult.

7. Cleaned the refrigerator

8. Learned how to spell refrigerator (there's no D???)

9. Not watched TV... that seems weird...

10. After writing number 9, considered watching TV but realized it's no good after 1am if you don't have cable... and I don't have cable.

11. Checked out my budget to see if there is room for cable. NOT IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN YOUR EXORBITANT KARAOKE BUDGET, MISSY!!!

12. Wrote this blog.

13. Oh yeah... made two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch tomorrow. Biting into those sweet little slices tomorrow will make this whole sleepless night worth while.

So obviously there is a lot in that list for you to be jealous of. Maybe you are even wishing that you, too, could one day make a week's worth of iced coffee in one night. Well, kid, one day maybe you can. And by one day, I mean any day on which you're too wired to do anything that involves concentration.

Not On Purpose

2011-06-27T22:02:00.002-04:00

Ridiculous friends who accidentally match (from Alison!)

Yankees vs. BELIEVELAND game

2011-06-27T00:30:00.006-04:00

Listen. What do I have to do to prove to you that I am still Mary from the cul-de-sac? Do I have to go to Yankee Stadium? And sit in the front row, dead center, behind home plate? And eat free lobster risotto? And fresh salad? And drink S. Pellegrino from the coolers behind my seat from which I can grab a drink any time I like without paying?

Are you telling me I need to make awkward eye contact with A Rod every time he takes a warm up swing because I'm so freaking close and at eye level with world class baseball players? Should I, what? Should I be on television every time they show a shot of a player at home plate, flipping my hair around and laughing as if I don't even realize there is a game going on in front of me? YOU tell ME.*

HAAaaaAAAY!!

*I'm uncomfortable bragging sarcastically without apologizing genuinely at the bottom. Sorry. This post was out of line. Don't worry - tonight I'm eating week old cauliflower alone, watching SVU reruns. #humblebrag

Insomniac without Dave Attell

2011-05-25T01:57:00.008-04:00

I've been battling insomnia pretty hard the past few weeks. I went to California over the weekend and it was awesome in many ways but mostly because of the time difference. I could stay up until 4am New York time and it was no big deal.

Side note: I think there are stray cats outside right now getting it on. Either that or a baby is murdering another baby. I'm blogging so I don't have time to verify that babies aren't out there murdering other babies... if I weren't so busy blogging, I'd check or whatever.

So back to my insomnia. I'm gonna work through it by writing out a list of some of the lighter topics that are on my mind.

1) Chicago Bulls - get. it. together. Do not be afraid of Lebron. He's been making some pretty evil faces this season, that is true, but if you guys don't beat the Heat... I don't know how to finish that sentence with out e-sobbing all over this blog.

2) Great Youtube video that I watched a lot in 2007:

DO IT, DIRK!!!

3) I'm an open book lately. I cannot tell a lie and I've been a little more candid about my feelings than I normally would be... but maybe that's a good thing? Example of something I said, in earnest, a few days ago: "I don't think words exist that could describe how much Queen's music means to me." Barf, Mary from a few days ago, barf! Stop being weird! Stop checking to see how much it'd cost to see Hall and Oates live on June 11th! Stop "owning" every impulse you have, girl! Dig-Na-T!

4) Californians always look so healthy and awake. Upon returning to New York, it makes you very aware of how sad and slightly dirty we all look. Something smelled very strongly like urine on the subway today. The smell was not there when we left Grand Street, but at some point as we went over the Manhattan Bridge, the smell came on suddenly and strong. The thing is, nobody was moving... just staring ahead mournfully. There was really no suspect that seemed more guilty than any other. Just a group of very sad, beaten looking people... all of whom looked equally as likely as the other to be in the process of peeing their pants.

5) How long is it supposed to take to finish a medium ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts? Cause it takes me like 45 minutes and that is too long. Right? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore except that I really enjoy "I can't go for that" by Hall and Oates and that is my truth.

6) This is a great video. Maybe the best video? No. No... that's the insomnia talking:

My coworker Rich sent it to me today because it made him feel homesick. He teaches me about Jersey and in exchange, I make fun of him. It's fair.

7) Palm Springs... the pictures from my disposable camera came back. So I'm just gonna post them now and maybe sleep?

This last picture was right before we had to leave... I hid in a hammock.

I Need a Diva

2011-04-27T00:09:00.010-04:00

Tonight, a historic moment took place for my life, personally. I listened to a song from The Wiz called "Is This What Feeling Gets," as interpreted by Diana Ross.

When I was in second grade, I began learning how to play the piano. Let's not mince words. Learning to play the piano is not fun. It's much like water boarding from a kid's perspective. Unless you are a kid who has actually experienced water boarding - well then, you might finding learning to play the piano to be quite refreshing! But for me, it was torture. My mother, however, was insistent that if I quit, I would regret it. She was right. I'm glad I learned. Some of my fondest memories are of sitting at the piano, sight reading a pop song, struggling with each chord change... then eventually, singing along with all my heart. It's probably not a fond memory for anybody within earshot of my slow, methodical rendition of "Octopus' Garden," but for me those were formative moments.

My mom had an amazing set of song books from the 70s - their old, crumbling spines made them easier to set on a piano and read. I loved the Beatles song book, but my very favorite song to play was "Is This What Feeling Gets" from the Wiz. My mom introduced me to it. She rarely played the piano but knew just enough to play that song as if it were as worn and familiar as the aged, yellow page it was written on. My mom has a gorgeous singing voice. I know a lot of people think their moms have awesome singing voices (right? People love to brag about their mom's angelic singing voice?), but I mean it. And I am right about it. When I was in kindergarten, I used to make my mom sing for my friends as she cooked us Mac n' Cheese - that eerie song from the Little Mermaid that Ariel sang as Ursula stole her voice. My friends would be like, "I love your mom's voice." And I'd be like, "bam. told you." I loved my mom's voice so much.

And I loved the way she sang "Is This What Feeling Gets."

I used to sit at that piano and sing that song with so much emotion, you'd think watching the Indians blow big games gave a kid soul and wisdom beyond her years. That song meant so much to me. I can't tell you how many times I listened to the Bodyguard soundtrack as a kid and wished Whitney would put that voice to work on "Is This What Feeling Gets." I was curious to hear it done proper and professional. By a proper diva. I had never heard the official recording, but assumed it had to be coma-inducingly good (like "Desperado" on that episode of Seinfeld).

So here I was tonight, 15-20 years later, watching Glee. The triumphant return of Kurt from blazerville - I mean private school! I didn't realize how much I missed him you guys! His first song was "Never Said Goodbye" by Barbara. Obviously, this is an amazing song. Obviously, this is another song I sang with all my heart as a kid. Immediately, my mind started searching for the next song I wanted to hear Kurt sing using his beautiful woman voice. Of course, "Is This What Feeling Gets" popped into my head.

So I youtubed it... to hear it... since I don't have my piano or my songbook.

Now, click on the link below, skip to about 1 minute in and listen - until about the time you get bored.

http://youtu.be/sYJB9iQqULM

Now, come back and read what I have to say about this (feel free to leave Diana on in the background):

Diana Ross! Diana! Stop. Girl. Captivate me. Where are the heartbreaking minor 7 chords that I was expecting to make me cry? The soul crushing crescendos? The notes so powerful and strong they could open a dozen peanut butter jars? I don't hear any of that in your voice. I love you - but go to your room, Diana Ross! No dinner!

So this was a historical moment in the life of Mary Traina: Hearing, for the first time, the official recording of the song I loved more than any other song as a child. Now, a new page in my life has been turned: a new page dedicated to finding a proper Diva to sing that song. That's right. I said it. Diana Ross is not diva enough for this song.

Alright, that's all the gay I have left in me tonight. I'm watching the last quarter of the LA/New Orleans game now. Kobe... stop flirting with me. You know I decided to hate you back when I was committed to Lebron!

2/3 Of My Supergrass Tribute

2011-04-27T00:08:00.000-04:00

Supergrass Tribute at the PIT - 4/10/11

Kids: The New Teens? An In-Depth Investigation

2011-02-05T22:47:00.006-05:00

I put this out there a lot in light, social interactions because it usually gets an agreeable response: Teenagers are unpredictable monsters, right guys? Everyone always agrees to that. Maybe it's not fair to teens but here are the reasons.

1) Their frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet, which means they make crap decisions without any regard for consequences.

2) They are very rude. Never paying attention or showing common courtesy to those around them. Always loudly laughing with their friends. Just like I, as a teen, used to laugh when, for example, in the GameStop at the Great Lakes Mall one of my punk teenage friends let out a very nasty fart at the trial Xbox consul. Just laughed and laughed. Screw adults and their easily offended noses!

3) When teens commit violent crimes, they are always incredibly cold and horrific. They aren't methodical Dexter types. They aren't jilted lover types. Teenagers will mug complete strangers and beat them, whether that stranger hands over their wallet or not. Or teens will bring a gun to school and kill someone for looking at them wrong in gym class. Yikes. It's that undeveloped frontal lobe, I'm telling you. Just... like... you guys... teens are scary.

I didn't think there was any age group more unpredictable and terrifying than teens until I was walking through the foot wide tunnel that has become Brooklyn's sidewalks this winter (with 2 feet of ice and snow on either side) and came face to face with an 8 year old (or 12 or 5... it's really hard to tell between the ages of crawling and puberty). I was trying to just get by him but there was something about him that was very hard to ignore: That kid had a snowball in his hand. That kid did not have any look on his face whatsoever. Just blank. Just staring right at me. And as if his mind had no control over his limbs, he THREW THAT SNOWBALL RIGHT AT ME. Now... his weak little 4 year old muscles obviously couldn't launch it far enough to hit me but I assure you the intent was there. His mom yelled at him, sure, but not angrily enough. She should have cuffed him.

Then, this past week, there was another child. Again, I really don't know how old... 10? This 10 year old was running up the sidewalk trying to catch up with his mom when he saw me and stopped. I slowed my walk and, as I approached, he slowly and with the same blank stare as the last child, picked up a large, sharp chunk of ice from the top of snow wall lining the sidewalk. Shoulder level for him. I looked into his eyes and there was nothing. It was as though he had been possessed. His arm pulled backwards preparing to throw and I braced myself for the ice to plunge deep into my eye-socket, ending my life. Then, his mother yelled his name and he dropped the ice as flippantly as he had picked it up. He ran past me to his mother, sparing my life.

What I'm saying is... kids are scarier than teens now. Unpredictable, even less understanding of consequences, small enough to initially earn you trust... the list goes on.

The good news is, both children and teens alike quickly grow into adults before they ever have the time or the needed cognitive abilities to take any real action against the adult population as a whole. Like, an organized attack against their elders across the globe at the exact same time.

It's the same reason all the children's rights campaigns I launched as a child* never got off the ground. My frontal lobe developed just in time to show me I could spend my time On Demanding CSI, instead.

* - The Coalition Of Children On Monroe Boulevard Who Believe The City Should Give The Ice Cream Truck Permits to Stop on Monroe Boulevard Instead Of Always Skipping It

- The Society For The Right Of All Children To Stay Up As Late As They Deem Necessary For The Completion Of Their Barbie Vs. Ninja Turtles Game

- Children Against Long Roadtrips That Don't Involve Happy Meals

Hawaii Five-0 Recap: Episode 115 - Welcome to Tsunami (Bienvenido a Tsunami)

2011-01-27T23:24:00.025-05:00

In my world, which this time of year consists of a couch and a space-heater, procedural TV dramas are all the rage. Sometimes I lay down for them, sometimes I sit upright with a blanket over my shoulders for them (I really took a stand against Snuggies a couple years ago which I now realize was foolish and for that I will NEVER FORGIVE ME) but, always, I am watching them. Especially now that I think I've finally seen every episode of Friends or Fraiser that can possibly be DVRed.

In particular, I watch Hawaii Five-0.

So this week, those of us in the grip of nasty winter storm after nasty winter storm, were once again presented with our dream of moving to beautiful, warm Hawaii with it's many fit surfers... and then forced to watch that dream crushed to death by Steve McGarrett's thick soled shoes (his soles are always very thick).

(Associated Press/Cbs, Sonja Flemming)

Here's a close up:
I mean, week after week Danno and Steve are thwarting assassination attempts on foreign dictators, chasing major drug cartels or saving kidnapping victims who also happen to have won the lottery. Law and Order is like, "say what?" But that's just because this show has to stay true to facts and data which apparently means, Hawaii is an incredibly dangerous place. You can't really argue that (based on these Hawaii Five-0 plotlines).

This week, the episode began with Danno learning to surf from Boomer the Hot Cylon. He needs to learn so that he can learn later with his daughter (huh?). It's complicated dad stuff. You'll understand when you're a dad (sorry ladies!). However, the lesson is interrupted when tsunami alarms go off! Boomer the Hot Cylon is serious about getting off the beach. Danno is like, "a tsunami? Are you kidding me?" cause he's from New Jersey where tsunami's are a classic prank. But this time it's not a prank. Or is it? Foreshadowing! (let's agree that the writers were clever enough to make that foreshadowing and not merely including that line as more "remember how he is from Jersey" exposition)

Meanwhile, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett, having heard the alarm, is running around trying to get his shirt on. I'm not sure how long he's been struggling with getting that shirt on but there is also a girl with him. She is trying to get her pants on. Clothes are complicated in Hawaii. Another dream crushed... but wait! That girl is Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett's bed time buddy who also has access to highly confidential military satelite technology! I hope she's useful later and not just randomly in the first few minutes of the episode.

After it's pretty clear that the Steelers vs. Jets audience is committed, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett and Danno shift gears to solving a kidnapping amongst the tsunami madness. Oh, you think that's unrelated? Give our writers some credit, guys, remember the "tsunami-are-you-kidding-me"-possible-foreshadowing-genius a few paragraphs ago? Have faith! Just so happens the guy kidnapped is the only person who can really understand tsunamis on this ENTIRE major island in the Pacific that probably encounters these kind of weather phenomenons often. He is IT! So obvs the governor needs him saved.

Oh, and the kidnapping victim has a hot daughter who Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett needs to reassure. It's a very important part of every episode that Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett makes a promise to a hot young woman. This is the heart of the show (Not Danno's dad stuff... yuck!).

Speaking of Danno's dad stuff, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett makes him take his daughter to an ex-con turned informant. The ex-con is going to babysit for Danno! It's a great idea. Dad stuff, guys. Just relax.

There is a lot of driving around to be done, so Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett and Danno get to it. In the car, Thick Soles always reminds me of the of SNL's Second-Hand News Corespondent. Always looking over his shoulder! It's cause he's a marine, you guys, lay off... but also, watch this video (am-I-rite??)

One of their stops is the Tsunami research center or whatever where everyone condescends to Danno. I guess it's cause he's from New Jersey or something so he doesn't understand how oceans work without child-friendly pictures to explain (Atlantic doesn't count, you guys). It's kind of a sad scene cause I just want them to lay off Danno. I guess Danno can handle himself, though. He is a dad from New Jersey, after all. However, they are the ones who don't seem to be at all concerned with the fact that the tsunami is transmitting conflicting data on an hourly basis. It's just like, "oh... this tsunami warning makes no sense but there is no reason to look into it. We should disrupt everyone's lives and keep the obnoxious alarms on full blast. Hey, Danno, dummysayswhat? harharhar"

While Danno is caught in an endless cycle of "dummysayswhat""what?" with the scientist, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett figures out that there are TWO tsunami warning signals and one of them is NOT coming from the usual alert bouy. The signal is a hoax! The tsunami warning is a prank ("tsunami-are-you-kidding-me"-possible-foreshadowing-genius!). Luckily, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett knows exactly where that other signal is coming from, thanks to his bed time friend. Also, she figured out how to get her pants on... cool!

Danno and Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett head over to the signal location expecting to find their kidnap victim cause he is an expert at sending out terrible alert signals, aka SOS signals, that his friends don't see as cause for concern. When they finally stop ducking back and forth past windows, however, they discover it's not their kidnapped man at the location - it's a hot blond chick! Just as Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett is thinking about all the heart-warming promises he can make to her, she runs away. Danno clotheslines her and then sits her down for questioning. Classic dad!

There is a moment where it seems like during their interrogation, Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett is going to pull some of his usual hijinks (shoving a witness in a sharktank to make them talk, dangling someone off a roof... Law and Order is like, "Wait. What now?"). But that's not the case this time. Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett simply grabs her computer for her and upon presenting the blond with a picture of her daughter, Danno convinces the woman to talk about the tsunami signals she's been sending. Dad/mom connection! She's been sending the signals, innocently, cause she needed the money. It didn't occur to her that someone would want to fake a large-scale tsunami warning in order to clear the area and commit a major crime. But that's what's going on here. Time to get back in the car for another drive. Hmmmm... where is that major crime? Where did we leave that crime?

Now, I haven't talked about it yet, because it's boring, but the rest of the Five-0 team - Boomer the Hot Cylon and Chin Ho, also seen in Lost - have solved most of the case. They did it without any witty banter or Dad tricks so it was like... ugh... move on... but now it's really a relief that they did all that work because it turns out the person forcing the kidnapped dude to send fake signals for the hot blond girl to broadcast is after a very pecular target: the secret police evidence vault that Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett stole 10 million dollars from a couple episodes ago. Remember when Chin Ho, also seen in Lost, was almost blown up until he could make ransom? Of course you don't because I didn't write about it and you get all your news from this blog, but that's what happened. Steve "Thick Soles" McGarrett stole that money to save a friend, hoping nobody would ever notice. But now that it's the target of a major, high profile, robbery... people gonna check, ya know? Yikes! Get ready for jail, Five-0. All ya'lls fault!

But wait... the money is all there. The 10 million has been replaced! Who did that and why? I don't think it was New Jersey or Dad related cause Danno would have said something... so what was it????

Shiz is gettin' good, friends... Hawaii Five-0 is getting serious. Hawaii Five-0 wants to meet our families and hold our hand. And well... I'm on board.

Apple Transplant

2011-01-22T17:27:00.017-05:00

I hang out with a lot of what are called "transplants" in NYC: people who are not from the tri state area. I do this because I'm from Ohio and, though I have a ton in common with people from the NYC area, I have one big thing in common with almost everyone else on the planet: NYC one of the biggest, most talked about cities in the world and I'll never stop marveling at it. I love it, I resent it, it makes me feel small, it makes me feel like a big asshole... I've been here for five years and still can't feel any ownership over it because it belongs to everyone but me. It's just a matter of time before NYC, the city itself, detects that I am from Cleveland... then locks the doors to my subway, skips all my stops, and digs a tunnel ahead of itself while it trucks me all the way back to the midwest; where it knows I belong. Every transplant friend I know has a fantasy of moving away... of leaving this place... and I think it's because we all have a feeling in our gut that we don't belong.

I guess you could say it's like if you became besties with Julia Roberts. She'd be bold and cool... give great tips to waiters but also say something condescending about their style as they walked away. Something that would make you wonder if you were too sensitive or if maybe, just maybe, you're new best friend, Julia Roberts, is a giant bitch. But you wouldn't question it... because Julia Roberts is glamorous and opening up your world to new possibilities. But all the while that you are her friend, you would never know that she truly felt the same about you. You would never be bigger than her, never be a better friend to her than Tom Hanks. You would never fully understand her language or know the difference between a $10 scarf and a $300 one. But you wouldn't know how to let go of her either... cause she laughs like an attention starved asshole and that's something nobody can walk away from, no matter what kind of damage it does to their self-esteem. That's what it's like being a transplant in NYC (everyone totally understood my metaphor. I'm gonna pat myself on the back since you guys aren't here to do it for me.)

So anyways, last night I had what I think is a common moment for a transplant. I did something that made me feel like a savvy New Yorker. Something that I thought just might convince that subway to think twice before shipping me back to the Rust Belt. And I was gonna just write a straight up story about it... but then I fell asleep and woke up with an even better idea that has never been done before. A Quiz! Just like in Seventeen magazine!!....eerrrr... D'oh! I mean... just like has never been done before!

So, without further ado...

THE "HOW NEW YORK CITY SAVVY ARE YOU?" QUIZ

1) It's 12:30am and you've been waiting for the G train at Metropolitan and Union stop for 45 minutes with, what has accumulated to, about 100 people. Finally, an announcement informs everyone that G train service is temporarily suspended due to an incident on the tracks at Bergen Street. What do you do?

a) Decide to wait it out. This gives you more time to tell this guy you've been dating for a week about your sister's new major in college!

b) Casually shuffle off the platform while getting the number for Northside car service ready on your phone. Yellow cabs are few and far between in Brooklyn.

c) You've been slowly making your way to the closest exit since 15min into this thing. You immediately speed walk around the guy trying to find Northside in his phone (car services are always overwhelmed when the L or G train go down), then sprint up Metropolitan, a street that frequently has yellow cabs, so you can catch one before it gets to the corner where you're competing with those other poor saps. Then, you make conversation with the driver about how cold it is so he doesn't give you trouble for taking him further into Brooklyn instead of back to Manhattan. You guys laugh together about all the people on the corner trying to flag him down.

2) You want to see a movie at BAM but the line to buy tickets is giant, despite the fact that you arrived 40min in advance. The next showing isn't for another two hours. What do you do?

a) What's BAM? Is that in Brooklyn? Oooof.. I think I was at a warehouse party there once.

b) Take the train a couple stops over to Cobble Hill to catch the next showing there.

c) A wait here means a wait everywhere. You get your fancy-drink on at a wine bar around then corner and come back early for the next showing.

3) You're in Soho shopping on a busy Saturday right before Christmas. Suddenly, you need to take a huge dump. What do you do?

a) Go to Starbucks. Then, you don't have to blow your money on a product you don't want in order to use a bathroom! Nobody cares if you're a customer!

b) Starbucks bathrooms somehow are full of smallpox despite the government's claim that that disease now only exists in a petri dish far from society. Sneak into Crate and Barrel. Everyone knows they have the best bathroom in lower Manhattan.

c) Please, on a Saturday before Christmas, every bathroom in Manhattan will have overflowing toilets with turds floating around the floors like dinghies. Head home. Shopping time is done. Grab a newspaper on the way cause you are about to do this thing.

4) It's New Years Eve...

c) don't go into Manhattan.

5) You want to see fireworks on July 4th. Why shouldn't you see fireworks on July 4th? It's friggin' America's Birthday, for crying out loud! Where should you go to see them?

a) Head into Manhattan. You're sure they have fireworks on the East River, since it's right in the middle of all the boroughs and is most convenient for all the city's tax payers to check out. How about South Street Seaport? Last time you were there, on a random Tuesday, it wasn't that crowded. Seems like that place is a little known gem.

b) Fireworks are on the Hudson now, idiot. But you have a friend in midtown with rooftop access. Subway travel probably won't be full of too many assholes, since it's a major holiday and all, and you're sure the fireworks will look so awesome from the rooftop that it'll be worth it!

c) Subway travel on major holidays is obnoxious. Fireworks will look about the size of raindrops unless you stake out a spot right along the river super early in the day (a day you would have otherwise spent in the company of good friends and good burgers)... Just stay in Brooklyn... you'll see a surprising amount of illegal fireworks right over your head and maybe you're friends will surprise you with some illegal fireworks of their own! Not that they know how to use them....

RESULTS

If you answered mostly A...

Congratulations! You are a smart, mysterious hottie. Just like Tina Fey, you possess the ability to land any boy with your wits (which guys secretly crave more than tits!). Because you're full of surprises and intriguing conversation, boys find you easy to talk to (because you remind them of another guy!). But be careful... too much studying will make boys feel like you don't need them and you might just spend prom night with your mom and her new boyfriend!

If you answered mostly B...

You go girl! You are the hottest, funnest girl ever: The perfect mix of athletic and fun without being dragged down by a boyish figure and intimidating curve-wrecking habits. All the boys love that you don't look like a dweeb in gym class (ducking from a basketball is like ducking from their hearts!) but also don't make them look bad (is winning a game as important as winning a homecoming crown?) So stick to it, girl! Study hard... but not too hard (also don't work out too hard)!

If you answered mostly C...

Damn, girl! You are a confident bombshell. You've refined your sense of style and, while it might contain too many spaghetti straps, you have a dream of working in fashion. But you don't work in fashion yet, girl, so stop dressing in a way that makes people talk behind your back (they think you do coke!) and start covering up so boys will think you don't know what they are thinking! Boys like it better when you play innocent. Confidence is important to a career... but gross on a date! So find a way to hide it - preferably with a cardigan that's a little clingy!

Freaky Sunday

2010-12-22T00:12:00.003-05:00

At some point, I started to crave Indian food and video games on my Sunday afternoons and Chad opted for mani/pedis with Kitty. What a life!

Doesn't That Suck

2010-10-27T03:22:00.001-04:00

Doesn't it suck when you're about to finally fall asleep but then something abruptly wakes you and you don't know what it was so you have to assume the worst: that you awoke because a serial killer sneezed while hiding in your closet? And you don't have mace anymore because airport security took it away that one time and also you never work out and probably couldn't outrun a toddler? Doesn't that suck?

I Write Like a Nerd :)

2010-07-18T13:02:00.001-04:00

Just so you all know what you're dealing with here...

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Charles Barkley Says It Best

2010-07-12T00:04:00.000-04:00

Blow the Whistle

2010-07-07T00:41:00.003-04:00

This is old... but... for anybody who still wonders how a human being could become so confident that he would tattoo "Chosen One" on his back, that clip is your answer.

If Jay Z rapped about me, I would start wearing a cape and replace all my teeth AND my pupils with gold and jewels. No question. So what Lebron does is his business.

What do I think Lebron will do next year? How will I feel about it? Well, my friend, you have come to the right blog.

Miami - Nope. Dwyane Wade comes to the King, not the other way around. If it happened, I would feel nothing because I would cut out both my heart and nervous system and continue my life as the Squid Man from Pirates of the Carribean 3. (I've only seen the last thirty minutes of that. Did I get it? I got it.)

Chicago - Maybe... but Chicago is full of wittle babies who would shrivel up into raisins if they went too long without gravitational centers like Michael Jordan and Oprah. And O is on her way out... LBJ doesn't need a bunch of needy parasites with weird (awesome) accents. If it happened, I would write Lebron off so fast, my fingers would die of shock and eventually fall off.

Knicks - Not Likely... This would be great because I'd get to watch him live more often, but I fear these guys may have botched their "Come on Lebron" plan, that was two years in the making, beyond repair. If it happened, I would be super pumped but also not pumped that he'd be associated with a city that already wins everything and therefore doesn't deserve a shiny, new, Buzz Lightyear.

Cleveland - Very Possible... I feel like he might stick with the home team for a few more years. Though his upcoming, location TBD, press conference might look grim for Cleveland, I still think they've got some tricks up their sleeves to keep him happy. If it happened, I'd be inconsolable during their seemingly inevitable 2011 loss :\

Nets - Possible... after a short Cleveland contract... let's face it. He wants to build the Kings (team name I just stole for Brooklyn! Hiya!), not rebuild the Nets. If it happened, holy shit. He would be IN MY BACKYARD!!!

Wildcard - He and Kobe pull a freaky Friday. Kobe goes to the Cavs, to truly carry a team for once, and Lebron goes to LA to suck up the easy rings. If it happened, we'd finally see who is this generations' greatest player IN THE WORLD!

Alright! Those are my uneducated opinions based on my loyal browsing of Twitter talking heads and my casual viewing of ESPN round tables. We shall see!

It's Hot

2010-07-07T00:03:00.003-04:00

New York hit a record high or something today. 102 degrees fahrenheit! Usually, this would be a nightmare in New York. Normally this would mean sweating through four different pairs of underwear before giving up and using your last ounce of hydration to take Starbucks up on their $2 afternoon iced drink offer, which is still a major rip off, in a desperate attempt to stay cool. However, this time around it's a dry heat. I ain't got nothin' bad to say about a dry heat. It's like being in a glorious oven in which New Yorkers, delicious street meats and the feces of embittered hobos are all baking at once. I love walking out of air-conditioned buildings into the sweltering, dry heat. It's like a hug from God himself.

Cut to the multiple times I was out bike riding with Chad this weekend, swearing to him that at any moment I would surely keel over and die of heat exhaustion. It was like the a adult, Brooklyn hipster version of "Are We There Yet" (the movie, not the TV show). At one point, I was begging him, "use your GPS app! Use your GPS app! We are lost and I'm going to die!" ...I still remember the look on the people-watching old man's face as he judged me from his stoop.

So yes, it's hot in New York. But what have we learned from this? Let me put it this way. Just when you think you've had enough of this hellishly hot, concrete jungle, where dreams and optimism come to die; you will find yourself arriving home from work after a 14 hour day - too hot to cook, too cheap to order in. You will walk to the bodega for a pack of easy-to-boil-up tortellini and hot sauce while wearing the shear baseball t-shirt you usually sleep in and the purple bra you thought was funky and fun when you were in high school, but now only wear on laundry day or when you need something crappy to sweat on. You will be wearing cut off shorts, carrying your keys in one hand and cold hard cash in the other to polish off the look of "'90s white trash girl: out for a pack of ciggies." You will be SO disgruntled about your work day that none of this matters and you almost MISS what will be the most awesome thing anybody says to you all day. It is a short, skinny man/boy smiling from ear to ear... feudally fanning himself with the collar of his shirt. He will pass you on your left and say, with a deep voice and a sexy Spanish accent that would seem completely out of place if it weren't for the content of his message, "Are you hot? It is... very hot out here." Still with a smile, yet not a word more. Within an instant he is gone but your laughter will last straight through check out.

What we've learned is... we're in this together.

Blogger App

2010-05-28T09:12:00.001-04:00

I downloaded a blogger app and, though nobody reads this, I'll be posting here more often now!

First things first: yesterday I was that person. My brain was in elevator mode so when the doors started to cloase in front of me I casually stuck my arm in to bounce them back. Then I realized I was on a subway platform with my arm stuck between what I now realize are very strong doors. I could not move but remained stoic. I went into disinterested New York a-hole mode; just stood there like this was normal and everyone should be so lucky as to be on a train delayed because of me. Finally the doors opened and I got on the train, remaining in a-hole mode. I don't think anyone has ever looked more aggressively casual, pretending not to notice the angry looks.

Ah, the city.

The Wilhelm Scream

2010-03-02T00:11:00.003-05:00

One of the perks of working at the cultural center of commercialized B-movies is learning from the masters. My boss recently taught me about the Wilhelm Scream. As the story goes, the scream was originally recorded in 1951 to represent a man getting attacked by an alligator. It's a damn good scream so it quickly became a popular audio bite and inside joke amongst audio editors. It has been used in countless movies since... as you can see in the montage below. Enjoy!

I want this cat as my employee.

2010-02-21T19:17:00.002-05:00

What kind of person would I be if this video didn't effect me so deeply that I logged into the blog I'm too busy for in order to post it? The answer is a bad person.

Hope

2010-01-21T01:41:00.003-05:00

My thoughts have been with Haiti this week but I still don't know what to say. And this video! It is nice to see a kid still being a kid after being stuck under rubble for 8 days. Hope.

Click here to see the video

It is never too late to donate... never too soon to donate again...

Conan Was Our Man! You better back off, girl!

2010-01-21T01:13:00.004-05:00

Well, needless to say I'm pretty bummed that Conan will be leaving the Tonight Show. It's needless to say because after all of the hundreds of carefully crafted blog posts I've done over the years, it should be pretty clear that I love Conan O'Brien and think Jay Leno, on the other hand, is a dreadful excuse for a "TV personality." Unless, of course, you want to take "TV personality" at it's most basic meaning - ruthless, kinda stupid, attention-hungry scoundrel. I say this from a point of authority; being that I am a TV personality myself... or - more accurately - a personality toiling in the underbelly of television. TV is full of Jay Lenos. It's full of team players, sure, but one Jay Leno will spoil the whole bunch.

Basically, the subtext of every one of my blog posts is very clear: "Conan is the voice of my generation." Not because he speaks of the issues facing us... no, he very rarely does that. I mean that we love masturbating bears on a national platform and he loves to bring them to us on network television. We prefer weird, literal dance moves and he popularized the string dance. We like photoshop... he brought us "If They Mated."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Conan wasn't as funny at 11:35pm as he had been at 12:35am. I will chalk that up to network ratings pressures and the fact that, I would guess, Conan had an idea he was being set up to fail as soon as Leno grabbed the 10pm spot. But Conan is on fire now that he's been fired... and I think that might be because of the last reason Conan speaks for our generation: he's a self deprecating underdog who we like to root for. When Conan inevitably moves to another network, he'll get to be the underdog again and I think that will work out for everyone.

But in my mind, Conan is still in the NBC family... and somehow... someway... they'll work it out. tear...

Anyways, I should be sleeping. Now that Conan isn't hosting Late Night, I see no reason to be up. I'm old now. I'm an old, old lady. My generation hosts shows before midnight these days. Team Letterman!

You've Got Mail Review: 11 Years Later

2010-01-17T02:23:00.002-05:00

Recently, I watched "You've Got Mail" starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. I say recently because I actually watched it tonight on E!. A Saturday night spent in watching an old romantic comedy while eating Dominoes isn't something one should admit to. One should say "reeeecently."

So, recently I watched "You've Got Mail." The last time I saw that movie was in theaters back in 1998. At the time, I thought it was lame. I was 14 and convinced I knew an awful lot about the world. First off, I was cynical and felt offended that Hollywood would try to act hip; as if they understood the internet. AS IF! "Stop trying to understand my youth, Hollywood," I thought. "Butt out, okaaay???" Also, I thought good looking, affluent, old people didn't meet online and they certainly didn't write heartfelt emails to complete strangers in their free time. I thought adults spent their time raising children, working and then watching sports before bed. This is what kids think of adults. Now that I am an adult, I can see it in their eyes. They talk so loudly on the train that I can barely hear my own thoughts but in their eyes, that is acceptable because I am an old, boring, farthead.

I digress. Upon watching "You've Got Mail" again, I realize that it is not only a fair portrayal of adults but also ahead of it's time. People do meet online, regularly, and how thoughtful of Hollywood to romanticize it so early on? Now that the internet is so squarely a part of all of our lives, "You've Got Mail" finally seems like the classic romance it was meant to be. Like "An Affair to Remember."

And I must ask, how cute was Meg Ryan in those days? I was very close to writing her a letter tonight; pleading with her to put down the botox and come back to romantic comedies. I truly enjoyed "The Women," sure, but I want more from her and not more in the physical girth of her top lip. I want her to come back and remind the Kate Hudsons and Kristen Bells of the world what it means to be an endearing female lead. I want her to be in the next Nancy Meyers movie. You too, Tom Hanks!

Basically, I give this movie two thumbs up. Glad I got that out of my system.

Also, how badly does it suck that this world has turned in to one big social networking site? Right, guys? It's overwhelming. It has officially turned having a social life into a business. And some of us don't enjoy business. What if Meg Ryan had been able to just GOOGLE Tom Hank's handle or stalk him on Facebook? There would not have been a movie. That's no fun, My Generation, can't we fix this? What will our Affair to Remember be?

It's been a while...

2010-01-17T01:50:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while... but I think there is good reason for that. I've let myself become overwhelmed. It's an easy thing to let happen. Everyone I know is incredibly busy. We all act like cranky toddlers. You know how toddlers get before bed? They cry and they can't understand that the reason they are crying is because they are tired and they should just go to bed? That's everyone. Hey, Everyone? That's you.

But my motto is "stay zen 2010" and I intend to stick by that this year. It's no "whatevs two thousand sevs" but it'll do. No more getting worked up and frustrated with the small inconveniences in my life. This year, I'm going to rise above it all. Which is why I haven't been blogging. I've been busy rescheduling my life in a way that allows me to stay zen. For example, I cook more now. I still work on promos and stories in the evening, but I do so after I cook. If I'm too stressed to work on things, I accept that and stare at the TV, instead. Or I water plants. Stayin' zen, ya'll!

But I'm adding blogging back in to the mix. It relaxes me. Ultimately, I think it will be a tool to help me stay zen. Something to help me reclaim my mind at the end of a long day.

Wait, did somebody ask what my 2010 resolutions were? You cheeky monkeys! This isn't that kind of blog. I will go back to writing about poop, Lebron, TV and movies. That's about it!

Dear Cleveland

2009-11-05T00:18:00.004-05:00

Dear Cleveland,

Did you realize it's been four years? No? I've lived in New York for four years now. You know that. We both know that. Well, tonight... this is hard. I don't know how to tell you this. Shall I whip up some peanut butter cookies? No? Get to the point? Alright, I'll get to the point. Ugh... how to put this... I forgot to ask you to promise not to get mad. Will you agree to that now? No? Fair enough...

Tonight... I tried to be a Yankees fan. Calm down. Wait, hear me out. I didn't like it and it meant nothing to me. It's you I love, not them. It was like rooting for the Cobra Kai in Karate Kid... not like the feeling I get when I cheer for you, Cleveland! They're so entitled... like Darth Vader trying to make his own star. His own, star, baby! Who did he think he was? Being with them was like shopping for cheese products at Walmart when there is a sweet little Ma and Pa shop next door! I know... not a lot of Ma and Pa cheese shops in Cleveland. You get it, though. Cleveland has Ma and Pa bait shops. What if you bought your worms at Walmart, instead, and some smiling drone in a blue vest told you the worms were created in bulk on steroids?? It wasn't right with the Yankees. I felt cheap after! The whole thing meant nothing! With you, Cleveland... I feel the love.

And their boobs might look good but they are hard as rocks, mmmkaaaay??!!

Love you.

Call me when you're ready to talk.

I didn't mean that their boobs look good. I meant that all the Yankee's faces are weird looking in distinctly different ways from one another.

Cookies? Did you want those coooki....

okay, okay... call me...

xxxxxooooo,

Mary

Some Days in New York

2009-10-07T01:57:00.007-04:00

Today I...

Woke up to the sound of Rosie Perez's guard dog barking its head off... only its head remained intact enabling it to continue barking. This was also the sound I fell asleep to... and woke up to at various times throughout the night.

Caught a glimpse of Chad walking to work with a coffee in his hand while I was riding by on the bus. Spotting a friend or loved one on the street when they think nobody is looking is like spotting a rare frog in the rainforest... that's hard to do, right? Seeing a rare frog? But awe-inspiring if you do it? Cause I'm trying to equate it to seeing a friend on the street... you get what I mean...

Sat next to a guy on the morning train and, just my luck, he had an old smuckers jar full of what seemed to be urine. I say this because that's what it looked like and I was overcome by a disgustingly sweet, asparagus laden, urine smell that featured a tinge of grape jelly scent. I dealt with this smell until he tucked the jar away into a fat briefcase (the only other item in the briefcase was a really old, thick book).

Forgot to pack my lunch and ended up spending 12 dollars on an egg salad sandwich, a small bag of chips and a bottle of lemonade. I love working in a tourist attraction.

Worked until pretty late and came home intending to keep working... but turns out there was also an Office marathon on TBS. You'd be surprised how few episodes of that show I've actually seen! Guess this means I'm going in a few hours early tomorrow... unless there's an Office marathon on in the morning, too! Just kidding... I know the only good sitcom that has a marathon tomorrow morning is the Golden Girls. That's why I stay as far away from my TV as possible during my morning routine. 1) I'd be late for work every day, watching Golden Girls 2) It'd inspire me to try to pull Sophia one-liners all day at work until one of my coworkers asks if I've been drinking.

Purchased a box of pasta and began to make myself dinner... but then I noticed the box was full of live maggots.

Was moved by a commercial and almost thought Binder and Binder had come to their senses and hired a new advertising agency... until their fugly logo popped up on the screen and the guy in the cowboy hat assured me he would go to court and get me the medical settlement I deserve, without costing me my dignity. I guess it won't cost my dignity because he is spending his on my behalf.

Lunch Time MJ Medley!

2009-09-21T15:08:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Emilie for bringing this to my attention and showing me the meaning of high art!

Obama Gets Kanye'd

2009-09-14T15:12:00.001-04:00

Joe Wilson is a Hate-Filled Relic

2009-09-13T12:57:00.004-04:00

This op-ed column by Maureen Dowd knows what's up.

Joe Wilson is a hate-filled relic so before you slap those "you lie" bumper stickers on your car, think about the moral standards you're affiliating yourself with. I don't care if your views are Republican or Democrat, they should never be disrespectful and racist. Bush managed to kill thousands upon thousands of Americans and innocent people around the world based on a very well documented lie and Democrats still managed to sit in the chamber and show him respect while he was perpetuating that lie on national television... remember that... just sayin...

And again, read the op-ed column because it makes good points.

You can write to Joe Wilson by clicking here.

Slap Chop Remix on TV

2009-09-12T23:41:00.003-04:00

I might just be updating my blog because I have real work to do and I'm procrastinating... but that shouldn't stop you from checking out this Slap Chop Remix.

I have the TV on mute because I'm trying to work. This video came on and, without sound, it was extremely disorienting. Especially when the fly girl in the pink pants comes in and starts dancing. I thought I'd done lost my mind!

Is that Shaq I see???

2009-09-12T23:36:00.003-04:00

She might be from PA, but Alison knows what's up! Cavaliers 2010! King James gets some Shaqsistance!

September 11, 2009

2009-09-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

Never Forget kinda becomes a punch line sometimes because 1) it gets said every time even one person has to deal with something painful, even if that pain is having somebody cut in front of you in line while waiting to see "The Dark Knight" and 2) the Bush administration. They kinda turned it into a punch line for people bitter with Bush's lack of reasoning.

But seriously, guys, let's never forget. In May 2001, I lived in Ohio and my junior social studies class had to give reports on "threats to America." I got stuck giving a report on Osama Bin Laden and, frankly, I was pissed off about it because I didn't know who he was and he sounded like a quack who wasn't a threat at all. Other kids got things like droughts or gun control and I got stuck with a no-name who looked homeless.

I researched Bin Laden and found interviews well known American journalists had done with him FACE TO FACE. Interviews in which Bin Laden was basically saying, "I want you to die." It shocked me. It scared me. In May 2001, terrorism was something a crazy hick in Oklahoma City did or somebody I barely understood in a land far far away did to embassies. For some reason, I never thought that there was a whole group of people who passionately wanted me dead because of my nationality. I honestly thought people in other countries liked Michael Jackson, Seinfeld and hamburgers and therefore LOVED America. End of story.

Even on September 11, 2001, I was convinced 2 planes had accidentally flown into those buildings. I thought it was some glitch in flight patterns. It wasn't until a New Yorker, covered in dust after the collapse of WTC1, found a news camera broadcasting live to my math class screamed, "We will find who did this and make them pay!" that I realized there was foul play involved. It was chilling. I cried all night and when Osama Bin Laden took responsibility, I was shocked. I think I was shocked for years. I stopped watching the news altogether until around March 2003 when I was all like, "...hey, wait a second..."

Now I live in New York and I've met people who's families were directly effected by this. I've had friends go to war for vague reasons and come back confused and scared, actually, so I guess I've known people directly effected by this for a long time. I'm thankful for them because even though I don't understand how to fight terrorism, I still feel afraid sometimes and am glad somebody is out there trying.

Slowly I've come to realize the meaning of "Never Forget." I don't want to forget how I felt before all this happened and I want to tell my friends' kids* that they need to work towards an America they can feel proud of abroad and safe in while they are at home. That's how I used to feel... and even though I felt that way under OBVIOUSLY false pretenses, I want them to work towards having that feeling about their country for real. It was a nice feeling.

I mean, Japan was hard to like and politically complicated after WWII and now they kinda look like the happiest place on earth... is that related to what I'm saying here? I don't really know... but it's true, right?

Anyways... a 9/11 blog post was never gonna make you guys laugh. Sorry. I guess I'm just not ready for 9/11 to turn into a cliche and I'm also not ready for 9/11 to turn into a reason for people to feign drama through movies, facebook statuses ("I had just finished taking a shower when I found out about 9/11. Never forget how I was in the shower on 9/11.") or even conspiracy websites. Ugh... I just want us to keep moving forward and honor 9/11 victims through community and bipartisanship. The day of service thing was a GREAT idea. Because right now, if tragedy were to strike again, I just feel like the sense of love and community wouldn't be there like it was 8 years ago... and man... I'm not ready to give up on this country just yet.

Let's stop fighting and help each other out; fall in love with each other again. Republicans, don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said after Clinton you'd be back again, oh baby? Baby baby baby baby oh baby... let's fix healthcare and provide it to all Americans through a public plan. (only don't ever use health care and 9/11 in the same train of thought like I just did. That's ain't right.)

Obama, can you handle that? Or is America too bootilicious for you, babe?

picture pulled from http://gentlebear.wordpress.com/2009/01/

*ME have kids? Ew... give me some time to think about it.

"Make It Go Viral"

2009-09-08T23:45:00.000-04:00

My Uncle Ed always sends youtube links with only one request - "Make it go viral."

I'm gonna try!

Cockle Doodle Deity

2009-09-08T19:48:00.000-04:00

The other day, I visited the Bronx Zoo for the first time. And wouldn't you know it, I ran into my boss! The NBC peacock himself! I've been craving thanksgiving dinner ever since!

Say, Peacock, I heard about this Jay Leno business. Any chance you'll reconsider?

UPDATE: the photo-op was all my BFF Alison's idea, using her new iphone... and holy crap, she's getting married next weekend! ("she's getting married???" - Chad)

Mad Men vs The Wire

2009-09-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

[editor's note: comparing two completely different shows as if they are direct competitors? I can do that here. It's my blog.]

Almost a year and a half ago, Chad and I were obsessed with The Wire. Sadly, it was in its final season. We dreaded the finale. We dreaded it so much that after a month of looking for the perfect evening to watch, it accidentally got bumped from our DVR and we never watched it at all... until last night.

We found it on demand and watched it right after last night's episode of Mad Men. There is no doubt, these two shows are some of the best ever created. I have to ask myself, why has Mad Men successfully gained the favor of mainstream media while The Wire ended it's run with a record of snubs? Sure, Mad Men and The Wire tie for TCA nominations... but those are awards real critics respect. But what about awards like the Emmys? Awards average citizens respect?

Watching them back to back, I think I've figured out the answer. Mad Men makes us nostalgic; allows us to pat ourselves on the back for abstaining from alcohol while pregnant and refusing to take part in minstrel shows like the silly generations before us. We've come a long way since then. Good for us! Our outfits aren't as cool as they use to be... but lets just fix that by having Mad Men theme parties for the season premiere! I'll use curlers and a pointy bra!

But The Wire...

Today's reality is not so fun. We haven't moved forward at all, have we? We're all corrupt... and not in the fun, I-slept-with-that-mean-comedian's-wife-behind-my-wife's-back sort of way. The world today is dark and it sometimes feels like a slap in the face to watch a show about just how dark. We feel like jerks for tearing up when one of The Wire's lovable middle school children picks up a heroin needle yet feel inconvenienced every time we might be able to make real change in the real world. Therefore, water-cooler talk about the issues The Wire brings to light has the potential to make people feel uncomfortable; like frauds. Don Draper lies about who he is because he wasn't man enough to fix his real identity (we're better than that! We win, Draper!), Jimmy McNulty lies, putting his career and name on the line, in an attempt to get murderers and drug dealers off the streets (I can be noble too, Jimmy... at least I'm not a (total) drunk!).

But I think if you stick with it, The Wire isn't trying to preach. It just wants us to acknowledge our society has issues so that it can move on and entertain us. If the social conscious can shift even slightly enough to effect the way we judge our fellow man and we can then excitedly cheer on cold blooded killers like Omar, then this show has done its job.

And if you haven't watched The Wire yet, you should. You'll never be able to sing "the cheese stands alone" again without feeling like a F-ing badass. Is that not deserving of an Emmy?

Watching The Wire directly after watching Mad Men was like walking home through Brooklyn at 3am after being at a gossip-worthy party in Manhattan all night. Suddenly, though nothing is happening, you feel just as much anticipation on the dark sidewalk as you did at that party; you suddenly realize nobody knows or cares who you are. The Cheese Stands Alone.

Thrilling in different ways. Like doing a kegstand vs getting mugged!

UPDATE: Jon Hamm (actor who plays Don Draper) also liked The Wire, but not as much as he liked the Sopranos. I still gotta watch that Italian-stereotype-perpetuating show... but once I do, expect Don Draper to go head to head with Tony Soprano via theharmar.

Chad or an 80s Nerd?

2009-09-04T21:45:00.000-04:00

THE FUTURE:

Moms on Facebook is the New Black!

2009-09-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

This Facebook screen grab brought to you by my boyfriend and his mom :)

Some of my writing is officially on TV

2009-09-01T19:19:00.000-04:00

So... some of my writing has officially hit the boob tube! You guessed it! I wrote the promos below for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!

...you didn't guess that?

If you missed it this past Saturday, you can catch this made for TV masterpiece again this Sunday on Syfy.

350.org

2009-08-18T17:27:00.000-04:00

Montage Me!

2009-08-18T00:21:00.001-04:00

Movie makers love montages because they are an easy way to sum up aspects of a plot line that are otherwise really boring. Sports, studying, falling in love... all of these have montages. But lets face it, working out, reading books and making out with some ho are all really easy things to do. I don't really need to see them in a montage because I will accept the fact that this character craves glory. Even without a montage, I'll understand that that character had no qualms devoting a few weeks of their time to working towards their goal.

I think the hardest things to do don't result in glory or even a selfless act. I mean, when I do charity work - in the end - a duty to society pulls me forward. When I give up my seat on the subway, it's because someone was pregnant and it would be inappropriate not to give them my seat... or I had to make a quick judgement call and then run to the other end of the subway, not knowing if there was a happy pregnant woman or offended fat person behind me. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.

My point is... montages should document REAL accomplishments. Somebody montage the fact that I have successfully cared for a BLOOMING orchid for over a month now, cooked myself a sensible, healthy dinner, paid my bills on time, remembered to wear my dorky night-retainer and then made it to bed by midnight. See? I didn't go out and get drunk in an attempt to escape reality and then wake up miserable and afraid to face another day! I'm living a healthy, responsible life... cutting back on TV in order to chip away at my massive sleep debt! MONTAGE IT!

It's gonna be a long montage, though, because really... there is no end goal here. I just don't want to wake up 30 years from now, back muscles knotted up from stress and circles around my eyes so dark I look like a Disney villain.

hmmm...

Maybe end the montage with a scene of me as an old lady, holding up test results to prove I have low blood pressure, wearing a brightly colored visor to indicate I spend time enjoying life out in the sun (at my age??!! What's my secret???)

fennel, salmon, asparagus, milk - how reasonable!

Let's be real though, my montage will end in two weeks with me ordering Papa John's to cure a hangover.

I miss my family

2009-07-30T01:47:00.000-04:00

Even though I worked out with my sister until I almost passed out in front of children. If only there hadn't been a huge, stone staircase in the middle of our run. And if only I hadn't tried to impress her by doing push ups before and after each stair sprint. Guess that was my fault for downing a coffee then refusing the water she offered me right before our run. You know, I'm critical of sciencey people, but man were they right about humans needing water!!! Oh well, I ate my weight in lasagna afterwards while my mother went out of her way to prove to us that Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecilia," though it sounds innocent, actually describes oral sex (though my mom couldn't bare to say it out loud). Ah family. Cue Green Day, "Time of Your Life."

UPDATE: Here is the Colbert Report clip that proves the point my mom has been trying to make for 30 years...

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Paul Simon Pt. 1

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tasers

Hello From My Bathroom!

2009-07-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

I took this for Chad, who is in Ohio (I know, watch and learn Vanessa Hudgens) but I kinda think I look like Garth from Waynes World in it. Which has always been my life goal. It's just like they always say, I accomplished my dream when it was least expected!

Me - 1

Forces willing me not to look like a Dana Carvey character - 0

UPDATE: I just saw that Wayne's World is actually ON VH1 tonight. Weeeeird. What could this mean?

The Giant Squid

2009-07-29T21:34:00.000-04:00

I'm watching the History Channel right now. They are doing a special on the Bermuda Triangle. Essentially, this is History Channel's version of Entertainment Tonight and I'm noticing that a lot of the "experts" are simply internet-educated conspiracy theorists wearing tweed. They dressed Comic Guy from the Simpsons in smart-people clothes. One of them even repeated, as if it were fact, the age-old fib that everyone thought the world was flat before Columbus left on his little journey to America. No way is he a scholar. I can imagine that if I had worked production on this show, I'd be having a laugh right now. It was probably fun to do. Well, some of the experts featured on this show are genuine historians, I think, but they are kinda killing my buzz.

Now, for the past few months I feel like all I've done is work, walk around in the rain (today that rain practically washed my contacts clear out of my eyes), and listen to people complain about the media. Last time I checked media was based on money which is based on ratings which is controlled by our peers, but what do I know? I could suggest that these whiners give their viewership to another media outlet, one they deem worthy, instead of watching the reruns of "Life with MJ" on MSNBC, but that would end an otherwise perfectly annoying conversation about how news sucks and everything sucks and media has taken away our ability to think of a word besides suck.

Humans love gossip and dramatic stories. It's in our DNA. Humans loved gossip and drama enough to teach it to me as fact in 1st grade... you mean Benjamin Franklin DIDN'T fly a kite in a raging thunderstorm like some sort of idiot frat boy on a dare? So why are we surprised at drama's dominance over truth in the media year after year? It's not new. We don't seem confused when people enjoy sunshine year after year so why do we act so appalled by dramatized interpretations of news?

A segment of this special covers an incident from the early 1900s in which Harvard scientists mistook a whale butt for the remains of a Giant Squid. A local paper almost immediately speculated that the Squid was taking out Navy Battleships without leaving a trace, thus explaining the mystery behind the Bermuda Triangle. Anyone reminded of John and Kate Plus Eight? Giant Squid = Star Reporter named Kate, ya'll!

Basically, I don't want to hear complaints about the media, the death of in depth coverage and printed newspapers unless your main argument is that Americans are not being educated enough to see the difference between relevant news that effects their lives and drivel about how Sarah Palin doesn't know how to take a joke. If you must complain, complain about how bogus it is that public schools still have books that refer to Russia as the Soviet Union. That's called recognizing the disease instead of just huffing about the symptoms. And if you THINK Americans aren't educated enough, don't get on your high horse. Look first at the Man In The Mirror. Make that change.

Now I'm sad again that Michael Jackson died. I hope 4 channels are running programs in his memory. Oh! They are!

guys... this still sucks

2009-06-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

When you are young, you allow yourself to become obsessed with the things you like. My older sister became a trekky and cataloged episodes of the Next Generation on VHS. I was obsessed with Michael Jackson. It started with Thriller. My grandma had the album on vinyl in her basement and I spent many consecutive hours listening to it. I danced to "Thriller" until I couldn't breath, then laid on the floor and stared dreamily at the ceiling during "Human Nature." We used my great grandmother's old wheel chair as a prop and re-imagined MJ's dance moves for the handicapped.

Before long, I became obsessed beyond my grandma's basement. I wanted to dance like him and I instinctively knew that the more uncomfortable people were with my crotch thrust, the better I was becoming at dancing like MJ. I loved to sing and his songs were my favorite. His cassette tapes were hard to find at the library so I checked the "Ben" single out week after week and sang my heart out. My parents didn't like spending money on buying music, given the existence of radio, so I also spent hours scouring Cleveland radio stations and recording his songs to mix tapes. My sisters and I loved opening the garage door and dancing as if it were a stage. When it was my turn to put on a performance, I flipped the channels diligently until I found Michael. Then I proceeded to blow the neighbor's minds with my MJ inspired moves and vocals (They were too blown away for words and declined to comment for this blog post).

I remember when "Jam" came out and I suddenly knew who the hell this "Michael Jordan" character was. I remember getting made fun of for performing a "Jam" move every time Michael sang "Jam" during our daily 3rd grade recess MJ dance sessions. The success he worked toward as a child inspired me to actually practice piano between lessons. I remember making my mom watch the network television premiere of "In The Closet" and feeling a little awkward while watching it with her. I remember singing, "Annie, are you okay?" to my little sis, Annie, until she wanted to push me into traffic.

via wikipedia

I made my dad record the made for TV movie about Michael's life and got a little choked up while watching it after school the next day. Poor Michael... I recorded the Oprah interview, too. Double poor Michael...

I remember when my cousin died and his sister took me to the mall to buy the "you are not alone" single on cassette. We listened to it over and over on the car ride home; what would have been awful silence, filled with comforting music.

His music became a huge part of my life. It became a huge part of billions of lives around the world. I think that's why we are all so... just sad.

I felt disconnected from Michael's adoring fans throughout the late 90s and 2000s. Looking at Michael's mangled face broke my heart. I just wanted him to go away and rest up until he was back to being the guy who's tiger I admired on the back of the Thriller album so many years ago. He had a tiger and that ruled... but now he had a nose that was collapsing into his face. I always found myself jumping to his defense, rooting for him to snap out of it... but the obsession I once had was gone because being an adult, as I've become, makes Michael frustrating if you think too much about him. It's like a brain freeze. Don't hold that popsicle against the roof of your mouth for too long! I used to ADORE Bubbles the monkey... now that I'm all grown up, owning a monkey seems insane. Like, why buy a poop machine if it's not gonna grow up to do things for you around the house (which is why people put up with babies. It's an investment, I hear)?

I think the reason MJ's death is so depressing to people like me is because we grew up with him, we loved him, he shaped us and then we couldn't help him. All we could do was sit at home in suburban Ohio and will him to make a respectable come back. Willing him involved a lot of painstaking hours spent trying to establish a telepathic connection. I couldn't help but like "You Rock My World" when it came out, but his inability to look the camera dead on during the video was painful to watch. However, nose job or no nose job, I never flipped away from that song when I found it on the radio. He gonna be startin' somethin' (I hoped).

I think many of us thought he WOULD come back, dance for us and crack some jokes about how rough the last 20 years have been... and we'd say, "tell us about it, Michael!" Then we'd all laugh together, one happy American-pop-culture family, smiling with our big brother Michael and - FREEZE FRAME!!! -

Now he's gone and it's a shame. It's sad. For all the happiness he brought me and the bonding he provided for my sisters and my cousins... he died alone, suffering as he had his whole life, with a blood sucking "doctor" pumping the poison that Michael had always thought would kill him directly in to his veins. I wish being a talented but humble and kind soul hadn't brought him to that end. I feel like I let him down. It's probably just my Catholic guilt. I would blame myself for the rain, fallin' fallin'...

Last night was my birthday and I spent it dancing to Michael Jackson songs with my friends; attempting to do the Thriller dance the way I had as a kid, with about as much skill as I had as a kid. It was amazing... well, mortifying for anybody sober. Memories! Thanks, again, MJ. SHAMON!

(scroll to the 2:30 mark for moves you'll want to steal... bonus if you can enlist two friends to join you on the floor. This gives me an idea for my two sisters and I at weddings!)

Nostradamus Must Have Known

2009-06-10T01:22:00.000-04:00

I posted the clip below while I was watching Jimmy Fallon tonight. It's an old one but I'm lazy and it's the first one I could find. Find your own if you're too good for week-old comedy.

Jimmy Fallon is going to be really good at hosting Late Night. At first, I had trouble seeing a distinct personality, but now I do. I think Nostradamus probably wrote about this; How two magnetic personalities would reign over Late Night: one with self-deprivation and the other with modesty. I love Conan, but tonight I noticed a few things I maaaaay prefer about Fallon. Blasphemy! I know! Conan practically raised me from age 10 on... but here goes...

Tonight, the Roots were messing around and gave Jimmy a beat. Jimmy started rapping and Mos Def joined in. Oddly enough, no one personality stole the show. Conan would have stood up, sang a little louder, maybe done one of his funny, high pitched singing voices - hilarity. Jimmy did not. He made his contribution to the funny and moved on to giggling like a school girl. He's got slightly less control over his show than most late night hosts... and I kinda like it. I think that says a bit about my relationship with men in general.

Conan is still the best, though. And Letterman is also the best. And so is Colbert. But then... between Stewart and Kimmel, Fallon has earned a spot in my... my... database... sorry that was nerdy but I couldn't think of a better metaphor for my brain's list of likes! My brain likes!

ROCK.

Nostradamus Must Have Known

2009-06-10T01:10:00.001-04:00

Fallon's a Funny Fella

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Dinner I (sorta) Made By Myself!

2009-05-28T00:17:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I made dinner using the dishes my sister got me for Christmas a couple years ago. This is what I do now that I live in a new, classy apartment. Last night, I steamed and baked artichokes. You see... how can I explain this to someone like you... classy people eat classy foods and can see trees when they look out windows and finished wood floors (out of the corner of their eye as they watch The Real House Wives of New Jersey).

It's so quiet! I don't live across from a fire department or ten feet from the JMZ train or a block from stinky Lincoln Tunnel or NUTHIN'!

Gimme cookies! CLASSY cookies!

Also! Come see me tell stories this weekend! Two shows! LIVE!

FRIDAY - The Creek in Long Island City at 7pm

SUNDAY - Parkside Lounge on the LES at 7pm

Dear Friends

2009-05-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

It has been nearly a month since my last correspondence. For that, I feel pain and regret one usually reserves for vehicular man slaughter or forgetting to set the DVR.

I write you from a body riddled with deep, un-healing wounds caused by the battleground that is moving from one gentrified Brooklyn neighborhood to another.

"What wounds are these you speak of?" You say, "the apartment you hath leased bares fruit fit for a thousand kings... bay windows, ample closet space, granite counter tops... need we speakith more?"

Well, reader, I find your jargon pretentious but I will address you none the less. See... the allergens I've kicked up while packing have caused my left lower eye lid to swell. Plus, our landlord is confused because he's 80 and that's stressful for us! And... uh... you know... I'm really busy! I regularly work long hours 6 days a week (13 straight days beginning Sunday). I'm tired, you know? Just tired. It's, like, totally inconvenient. I have 2 storytelling shows in 2 weeks. I gotta find some time to write, you know? And memorize... you know? And like... ugh... you know? ugh... when am I going to have time to drink and hang with my friends? I needa the tequila!

As with any beautiful journey, the trials and tribulations I am going through now will be dwarfed by the light at the end of the tunnel: my new neighbor, Rosie Perez. For real.

Moving Saturday, yo!!!

Utterly Ridiculous

2009-04-24T01:03:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I was organizing my computer files (procrastinating) when I found these videos from a month ago. In them, I'm recording some VO for an editing project. You can tell by the look on my face at the end of each of these clips that I feel shame and embarrassment.

Chad was nearby, somewhere within our 300 square foot apartment, and were he to be alerted to my make-shift VO booth, the teasing would have surely rung up to the Bronx.

Anyway, these videos are ridiculous and there is nothing I love more than remembering times when I've felt awkward and uncomfortable.

My Cable Box Was Actin' a Fool... but it's not alone

2009-04-23T13:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my cable box was actin' a fool. I saw an MSNBC tease for a segment about Bill O'Reilly's attack on GE but never got to see the segment itself.

Well, I just watched Bill O'Reilly's segment... and once again, I really don't think this guy went to journalism school. He is breaking so many rules. He announces assumptions as if they are facts - doesn't suggest or allude to them... just says them as if they are news. He's mad that the idiots (Fox News) who organized a nationwide protest named after a comical sex act are now being called out? So he's spreading lies about one of America's largest employers in order to bring them down in an American economy that is already on the rocks?

I work for GE. There have been cuts but I know for a fact Sci Fi has continued to grow in unprecedented numbers since last fall. Sure, Jeff Zucker emails me to tell me about our financial situation once a month... but that's not the reason I know. I also know because I work here and as a team we study our ratings and growth on a weekly basis. We read raw data... not newspaper articles sponsored by conglomerates, like he apparently does. What kind of a journalist gets their news from other news sources? Why is it that he never reads studies, research or investigations straight from the source? This channel is all about what other outlets are reporting... which means there is nothing further to report UNLESS they put a fresh spin on what's already been reported. No-spin zone?? My ass.

This guy could not be a bigger hypocrite. It's unbelievable.

LISTEN! I know speaking out against Bill O'Reilly is so 2005 but I gotta march on, guys. It's not about Bush, anymore, we gotta save the integrity of journalism.

And also, I take back what I said before. MSNBC can make all the dick and ball jokes they want because when you call an event "Tea Bag Day" you are ASKING FOR IT!

Thoughts of the day:

2009-04-22T23:23:00.000-04:00

1) Aqueduct is a fun band for April weather.

2) I have never watched Fox News for more than 30 seconds. So I was shocked today when, while catching up on my Howard Stern (via an interview Bill O'Reilly did with him in 2005), I found out Bill O'Reilly has no skills as a journalist! How did that career happen? I guess this is America; dream big!

3) New York City is best known for 2 things - a nasty attitude and a "make it here, you'll make it anywhere" spirit. Today I decided that those two things come from two VERY different types of people. Hey, Guy-in-the-Yankees-hat-who-was-rude-to-that-poor-woman-on-the-subway! You're in the first group. Don't kid yourself. Your life ain't goin' nowhere.

4) I'm disturbed by Burger King's new "Baby Got Back" parody and the fact that it is aimed at children. Read this.

5) It feels like Thursday, right? But it's actually Wednesday! This week is so slow! Am I right, guys?

6) Allergies are like cement in your nasal cavity. You want to get rid of it, but you can't because it's cement and it's in your nasal cavity.

7) I still want this accent. It sings to me every time I'm home early enough to watch Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

First Beautiful Day in Brooklyn

2009-04-19T14:16:00.001-04:00

I was photographed to be a model in the Japanese magazine, Ginza. This next picture is high fashion... but you commoners wouldn't know anything about that.
The City (the one on MTV)

Because Chad had been making fun of me for looking like a hipster all day, it was pretty funny when a Japanese magazine stopped me to model my outfit. Chad and his cronies all stood by and mocked me while the photographer took my picture, "is this for 'thatfuckinghipster'?"

I also enjoyed the combination of my two favorite things: steak and ice cream.

OH... AND I enjoyed Cleveland's total domination in sports yesterday. From LeBron's half court shot in the playoffs to the Indians spanking the Yankees (AGAIN) in their new stadium... it was the perfect day.

Journalism 101

2009-04-17T13:33:00.000-04:00

Follow this link, for that is the material my "Journalism 101" blog will cover.

http://gawker.com/5215126/oh--thats-what-that-means-fox-news-learns-the-definition-of-teabagging

Apparently television journalists have decided to take a break from their busy schedule of neglecting to cover the news adequately while relevant sources like newspapers go under - to make dick and ball jokes.

We just might, as a nation, be screwed.

Boston is Good Band, Historical City

2009-04-17T00:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know why this video was made or who chose Boston as the subject. I don't know why the keyboard player keeps falling asleep. I don't even know why I found this video and watched it all the way through. All I know is that I did. I did find this video and I sure as all HECK watched it the whole way through.

It reminded me of two things:

1) The cat and mouse claymation videos I used to make when I was a kid, inspired by Wallace and Gromit.

2) My dad because this is his kind of music.

Back in the day I used to spend days here and there helping my dad fix up houses: waterproofing, mowing, painting, patching drywall.. you know the drill. Once a mechanical engineer, he decided he was happier fixing and building houses so he started his own business. He, my sisters and I were the only employees. Every so often, my sisters and I would all work on the same day and the knock-down-drag-out fights we had using paint and spackle were epic. I'll save those stories for a later date... or just leave them for the Christmas dinner table, where we relive them once a year and have a good laugh.

While working with my dad, I was not only introduced to Queen, America, Little River Band and Bread; but for 15 minutes each day I got to sit down with my dad, each of us covered head to toe in dust or paint or both, and eat the bologna sandwiches he had packed. It made me feel so important; taking a quick break from a professional, labor intensive task. The fact that I was allowed to help at all was a coup because for so many years my dad had told me I could only help by "leaving him alone," be it making cookies or replacing light switches with dimmer switches.

I loved Fridays the most because at the end of the day, the classic rock station, Classic 98.5, always played "Born To Run" at 5pm, followed by "Bang on the Drum" and "Workin For the Weekend." Listening to the songs as we drove home, I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of pride to finally be a part of my dad's world. Just me and my dad, finishing up a day of hard work with the Boss. To this day, I know "Born to Run" by heart and you better believe it is my go-to Karaoke song. I no longer have reason to pick up a nail gun.

My dad doesn't build too often anymore, much to my mom's relief - now he won't cut his entire hand open and use duct tape in place of stitches so that he can continue working. Currently, he designs houses for a living and is in school to get his official civil engineering degree (I think that's what it's called), kicking butt and probably wrecking the curve.

These days my dad and I bond over television, technology and how my mom is doing; things I just so happened to have turned into a career out here in New York. Well, "how my mom is doing" isn't part of my career just yet but if I ever do full-on, stand up comedy, I'm sure I'll complete the trilogy.

Look At This F***ing Hipster

2009-04-06T02:49:00.000-04:00

I can't wait until someone I know/recognize shows up on the blog below (mentioned during the show I was at tonight). It's inevitable. Just hope it's not me...

http://lookatthisfuckinghipster.tumblr.com/

ps: Those are not my glasses. They are Chad's. The online test my mom took this past Christmas, "What type of person are you shopping for," might have labeled me as "the hipster," but I don't wear oversized, thick rimmed glasses. Unless I'm doing an impression of a loved one using them as props. Which makes me more of "the asshole friend who thinks they are hilarious" than anything else.

Desensitizing: Step 1

2009-03-30T22:06:00.001-04:00

I've been working on desensitizing myself to violent movies lately. It's necessary for my career.

Friday, I was in session with a producer and editor. We were playing down a clip of the guy from Gossip Girl getting brutally murdered by a vicious poltergeist. I thought I was doing pretty well (casually squirming, secretly covering my eyes) when the producer said to me, "it's okay Mary!" Clearly, my terror was noticeable.

My sister loves the show Medium and, after hearing it mentioned by various television pros as a good example of horror for women, I've started watching it each Monday night. It's a really enjoyable show with the right amount of training-wheel-scares I need.

30 minutes ago I was standing in the kitchen making pasta when a scary scene came up. I successfully kept my eyes fixed on the screen but not without doing what can only be compared to a toddler's potty dance.

Next Step: the scene in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark in which a bunch of faces melt clean off the bone.

I wish I were drinking dirty martinis in Cobble Hill right now but I guess sometimes a gal needs to be responsible. Instead, I'm working on my storytelling for a show I'm performing in tomorrow night at 7pm at the Parkside Lounge.

see a small percent of you there!

UN - I Must Make A Pact. We Must Bring Salvation Back.

2009-03-19T01:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to the UN for a Battlestar Retrospective hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. The Retrospective focused on the real world issues addressed within the show (children in war time, terrorism, human rights and torture, etc). It was very interesting.

The room was much much bigger than it looks in the picture above. I took that picture mainly to display the microphone and translating earpiece that made me feel like an important world leader. The whole experience was exciting and, true to form, I geeked out. At one point, Edward James Olmos got us to reply "so say we all!" as a unified crowd, just like they do on the show! I was most impressed with a fan in a "what the frak" t-shirt who stood up, threw his hands in the air and delivered that line with conviction.

Afterwards, I was supposed to go home and upload a file to an FTP for Chad, who is in Germany this week. It wasn't a terrible rush, given the time difference, so instead of going straight home, I grabbed a few beers with friends. Well, more than a few. I grabbed enough beer to write the following email to Chad at 2am.

Hey Chad,

I am trying to upload this now but I don't know how well it is working out. Let me know!

I miss you a ton and I was very sad tonight when I came home to find you away. I spent the night at the UN celebrating Battlestar Galactica with Whoopi Goldberg. I even chanted, "so say we all!"

I've also had a few beers and just wish this FTP woul work already so that I could go to bed! The proof is in the pudding, I guess, so check this before you hit the hay.

love very much,
Mary

I don't know what this email means but it makes me cry laughing every time I read it. My favorite things about the email are:

1) Coming home to "find (Chad) away." - What era am I from? Why do I play the role of woman-married-to-Union-soldier every time I compose a letter to a loved one?

2) My implication that Whoopi and I met up last night due to our close, personal friendship.

3) Having a few beers and wanting the FTP site to "work already so I can (sleep)" are clearly events with a cause/effect relationship. However, I do not condescend to the reader by drawing those ideas together bluntly. What a clever drunk!

4) My usage of two terms that I never say while sober - "proof is in the pudding" and "hit the hay." The sentence which contains them makes absolutely no sense.

5) Chad does not watch Battlestar so for all he knows I chanted "so say we all" at strangers while standing outside their bathroom stall doors.

Okay, and also - Chad.... Come home! This is serious! Come home this instant and make me that awesome sesame tofu you make so well! And hurry because that show Medium just scared the crap out of me (proving, yet again, that it is effectively hitting it's target audience - women who drink chocolate milk).

the end!

2 Years

2009-03-15T15:54:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I got home and was faced with my Muppet self. "I'm Mary! My name is Mary!" she was saying in a voice that sounded eerily like a high pitched Chad.

I don't usually care about anniversaries but Chad could not have created a better surprise for our 2 year. It was, of course, 2 years ago on Saint Patrick's Day when Chad and I were first drunk enough to admit we LIKE liked each other.

Last Day as a Door(wo)man

2009-03-14T14:14:00.000-04:00

Every Saturday for the last 11 weeks, I have been the trusty gatekeeper to the UCB training center. What I mean to say is this; I've been the doorman.

Next Sunday night I move on to greener pastures as an ASSSSCAT intern but today I would like to reflect. I have met so many interesting people during my time here. Not necessarily UCB students, teachers or interns - but the inhabitants and visitors of 145 W. 30th Street in Midtown Manhattan.

First, a history of the building. Designed by architects Sommerfeld & Steckler, this 12 floor high rise was completed in 1914. Since then, it has served the community as an office building, becoming a focal point of the "30th Street between 6th and 7th Avenue" neighborhood.

In 2008, the building undertook a massive remodeling of their lobby. With a paint job designed to vaguely resemble marble, the lobby became too valuable to leave in the hands of random passersby. The decision was made to begin locking the doors.

That's where Winston and I come in - the doormen. Winston is an elderly gentleman who works the door on week days with a stick that he uses to press the button every time someone needs to enter the building. He makes delightful small talk and always seems to be in a relatively good mood considering his proximity to the end of his life.

I work Saturdays, preferring to open the door using the motion detector. I move my hand slowly above my head in a giant half circle until the motion sensor pops the lock and the guest is able to enter, in awe of what they seem to think is my control over "the Force." I make awkward small talk and am in a selfishly crummy mood considering my proximity to mass genocide in the Sudan.

The Manhattan Language Training Center is on the 9th floor of this magnificent New York landmark. I have met many of it's friendly students who come here from around the globe to learn. Often, they attempt to speak with me; the building's biggest butcher of the english language - "Makin' that pap-er despite all the hate-ahs, ya'll!" Sometimes they sound Russian and though their thick accents lead me to believe they are evil spies, I still open the door. I'm about as intimidating as sliced peaches dumped out of a can. What option do I have?

An Advertising agency owned by my good friend Nicole's boyfriend, Doug, resides on the 7th floor. Recently scoring headlines for the Clearblue Easy campaign, Doug also plays bagpipes 4 of the 5 times I see him throughout the year.

Perhaps my favorite company in the building is the fencing school on the 3rd floor. The Real Housewives of New York City needs to hold a casting call here. Casting Directors wouldn't need to spread the word. They would just need to sit in my desk and the candidates will walk right by them, fashionably-moppy-haired children in tow. One of the younger students checked out my shrimp pad thai today. We bonded and for a second we weren't so different. I wondered what my life could have been if only I had been given the opportunity go to fencing school while growing up in a 2 million dollar brownstone on the upperwest side. Might I have belonged? Made friends? Or would my shrimp pad thai have no longer been of interest to my peers after a short period, rendering me a novelty act?

Many of the older gentlemen who attend this school wear neon windbreakers.

So here I sit. Sometimes I ask myself why. I have a great job in a field I enjoy with real opportunities to become a full time writer/producer, as I've always wanted. My mother asks why I don't just sleep in on the weekend and give myself a break on week nights instead of heading to classes, writing meetings, practice groups, internships and staying up late to edit projects. I don't have an answer for her, or anyone, except this:

I am going through a quarter life crisis. I really think I really am. My friend Lee says quarter life crisis are totally legit so I feel validated.

I'm getting restless for a career path. I want to try everything so that I know which things I want to try harder at. I'm putting more pressure on myself than Stewart put on Cramer. I take on a lot of projects when the truth is, I need to buck up and pick something to focus for a while if I want to start acquiring real skillz. Picking a dream and actually having to be good at it is what the quater life crisis is all about. Separating the ballers from the shot callers, ya'll. I can't wait until my midlife crisis; the death of the dream. That's probably when I'll resign to what I should have been focused on all along; margaritas and good friends who know how to mix a mean guacamole.

So here I am. Hanging out in the lobby. Napkins tucked in my ears because there is an alarm going that nobody can turn off. Relating to the Little Mermaid's desire for an upgrade more seriously than any sane person should . Taking a picture of myself wearing an awesome apple ring to make this blog interesting visually. Enjoying what could very well be the last day of my life served as a doorman.

Gervais and Elmo: Together At Last

2009-03-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

I love Ricky Gervais but I haven't really loved Elmo until this moment.

Uncanny. No?

2009-03-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

I used to watch the Golden Girls and think, "what a unique looking woman Blanche Devereaux is!" Then I went to see Watchmen the other night and all I could think was, "Silk Spectre looks like a young Blanche Devereaux (had Blanche Devereaux ever aged a day)!!!"

Why was Rue McClanahan not cast as the older Silk Spectre? She would have shown those latex clad bitches how it's done wearing nothing but shoulder pads and a can of hair spray. She would have beat down those dudes in the jail break and afterwards many of them would have brought her flowers and asked her to join them on a romantic weekend getaway. That role could have used the Devereaux charm.

Overall, the movie was great, though. I would recommend it! Just close your eyes if you are disturbed by giant blue penises, biting off faces, gunning down public urinators or rape.

Just So There Is No Confusion About Aging...

2009-03-08T13:51:00.000-04:00

THIS is how it's done:

my mama sent that to me :)

Inspirational Story

2009-03-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

Judge's wife serves up justice

The mom and sisters agree: this woman reminds us of our Grandma, Mary Bryan. Check it out!

Also, Emirel got her a new set of pans. ROCK!

Seriously, I'm inspired.

Jennifer Aniston Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself, Goes Green

2009-02-26T12:17:00.000-05:00

Years ago I read an article about "going green." In it, Jennifer Aniston smugly claimed that 5 minute showers are her contribution to the environment. She washes her hair, body and face AND shaves her legs all in 5 minutes time. This saves water and this makes her "green."

Well, Jenny, I can't take 5 minute showers if they involve shaving and hair washing! I can't! I've tried! It takes me 10 minutes at least! Anything less is witch craft! So stop making me feel bad about myself! I don't really like dogs, either, especially on beaches. I'M SOOOOORRY!

Feels good to finally get that off my chest. That aside, I actually like Jennifer Aniston.

image from people.com

Being an Adult

2009-02-26T00:56:00.000-05:00

I just had a revelation: being an adult rules.

I've been living as an official adult with a full time job - nay career - for over 3 years. Ugh... how to continue... this is going to be a nerdy post but it just. feels. right.

Listen. Tonight I went to a class where I mostly just laugh. I then watched the catty Real Housewives of OC Reunion Special followed by 3 mid-90s sitcoms in a row. As I watched, I drank a full pint glass of chocolate milk - slurping most of it from a spoon as if it were soup. Nobody stopped me. My best friend, Chad, came home and gave me some juicy town gossip during commercials breaks. Now that he's asleep, I'm going to take pictures of his snoring mug. I'll show him the pics at some random time in the near future. It'll be an easy laugh. An investment. It's like packing a lunch.

I am able to feel camaraderie with Barbara Walters. I'd rather not decorate at all than hang up unframed posters or photos. This is adulthood and it all rules.

You see, I don't have a curfew and I don't have any exams. If I write a paper it's because I want to and if I don't write a paper, it's not at the expense of hard-earned tuition dollars. I ride a folding bike and I don't care at all if my helmet looks dorky. I'm afraid of cars and I'm definitely not asking anybody to let me borrow one. If I run out of Oreos, that's fine, I'll buy more when I want more and I'll make the trek on foot - even in the middle of the night. Tonight I'll go to bed at 2. I'll take a leisurely shower in the morning and then head to my job where I make more than $5.50 an hour. After work, I'll do whatever the heck I want. It will probably involve friends. It won't involve any pressure to be popular. I no longer stress about boys and I hardly even look in to mirrors anymore.

Sure, I worry about bills and I clean house. I make tough choices and miss my family. I have to pay more attention to my health and I can't just play innocent when I make mistakes. But it's worth it to finally be living that childhood dream of ruling your own life in your own club house with your best friend.

Around here, cookies and soda for dinner can reign supreme - as God intended.

This picture of Chad and me reminds me of my Nana

When I was 8 I wrote a letter to Bill Clinton

2009-02-24T22:38:00.001-05:00

As I was watching Obama's speech tonight, I was reminded of a letter I wrote to President Clinton in 1993.

I don't share this often, as it is painfully nerdy, but during the 1992 presidential campaign, my sisters and I used to play "Clinton and Gore" the way most little children play "house" or "tag." We knew a lot of the issues and they played out in our make believe. Bill Clinton made us laugh. We saw him as pure comedy and imagined the enjoyment Hilary and Chelsea must have gotten just listening to Bill's outlandish behavior on a daily basis. I don't remember exactly why we thought Clinton was so funny except that we knew he played the saxophone and made George Bush Sr. uncomfortable. Bill was rad and made old men squirm. Funny stuff!

Al Gore's stance on the environment kept us up all night having excited discussions about our favorite endangered animals. I desperately needed to know that my grand children would one day see the rain forests (all of the drama an 8 year old is capable of applies here).

So in January 1993, just after his inauguration, I wrote a letter to Bill Clinton begging him to look after the environment. I wrote how beautiful nature was and even drew a picture of my favorite endangered animal - a tiger.

The White House wrote me back, supposedly Bill Clinton himself. Bill said that he was very concerned with the environment and that is why he chose Al Gore as his VP.

His response made sense to me and brought the games my sisters and I had been playing to life... silly Bill and his responsible friends!

Some of my artistic experimentation at age 12. Can you tell I liked the Beatles?

Another Reason to Join Twitter...

2009-02-24T22:35:00.000-05:00

I did! I want to meet Shaq. Alison wants to meet Shaq... and so should you!

A Reason to Join Twitter

2009-02-21T12:17:00.000-05:00

"My son had a nightmare hes up wit me, he asked daddy how come u aint sleep, i told him, i dont sleep i dream." - Shaq

A few months ago, my friend Caitlin turned me on to what I've come to recognize as the best usage of cyberspace ever conceived: Shaquille ONeal's twitter.

I was reminded of the twitter after Shaq's shaqtastic performance with the Jabbawockeez before the NBA All Star game last Sunday. I spent the rest of the evening sipping red wine and reading poetry from THE_REAL_SHAQ twitter to my lover. On a dark day, Shaq's twitter is a connection to the brightest aspects of humanity. Don't OD all at once. Use it wisely.

The Simpsons' new opening sequence!

2009-02-16T22:30:00.000-05:00

New HD quality means new HD sequence. It's a little sassier than the original opening, which was going on 20 years old. Think about that. Understanding the Simpsons means understanding America in general.

Why do people hate Valentine's Day?

2009-02-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

Flaming volcano orgy bowls full of spiked lemonade to share? I've got no qualms.

Matching dirty balloon hats with your main squeeze? That seems cool.
Dueling drag queens pushing each other off stage? Friggin' awesome.
Lap dance contest after which a drag queen says that was the "gayest lap dance (she's) ever seen?" It's not exactly my cup of tea but it's not terrible, either.
Rat Pack and a rose? I think I see the similarities.
Dirty balloon hat sneak attack? Oooo... sounds dangerous and exciting.
Romantic Humpty Dance karaoke by my sweetie pie? sign me up.
Non-sexy, Easter-Bunny-style lap dance for the birthday boy? what's not to like?
Why hate Valentine's day? It's just St. Patricks Day with hearts and roses instead of clovers. It's just 4th of July with lap dances instead of fire works. It's just Halloween with chocolate martinis instead of snickers. It's just Inauguration Day with karaoke love songs instead of "hail to the chief." It's just a theme for a night of fun with the people you love most.

I think I just wrote a Dolly Parton song.

My Big Sister

2009-02-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

Danielle and me at Grand Central, Summer '06

My sister, Danielle, started a new blog because she forgot the password to her old one. C'est la vie!

It's almost fitting because her life has changed quite a bit since her first blog. After she forgot her password last fall, she got married to a man who is obviously the love of her life. If God really made woman using the rib of man, she was made of Brian's. And they are sweet together... like a rack of BBQ ribs. Professionally, she has also shifted gears. She is taking classes to for a nursing program! Now I can, and do, call her every time my snot changes colors! Why is it yellow, sis???

When I was a kid, I often dressed up as a hobo and knocked on my sister's bedroom door to cheer her up. In defense of my sister, I hit the biggest bully in school with a stick until he blistered. Full of rage, I chased a boy out of our woods after I caught him knocking down her tipi, which we had built together out of branches. I was always very protective of her but I think, through all those years growing up together, I had missed the obvious - Danielle is resilient and strong / I am completely, out-of-my-mind nuts and tend to overreact.

Danielle and her husband have had a tough first year and my sister has been amazing. I am so incredibly proud of them and am reminded of why I've always looked up to my sister: she's really funny! Read her blog!

And most importantly, I hope, as she hopes, that her blog will help anybody currently in the situation she found herself in a year ago.

My younger sister, Andrea, plays a lot of frisbee but makes me call is ULTIMATE. She. is. a. character!

The Ricky Gervais Guide To...

2009-02-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

I don't have many idols: Liza Minelli, Freddy Mercury, Doc from Back to the Future and Mother Theresa pretty much sum it up. However, Ricky Gervais tops the list (after me mum and dad, of course). I've been LOLing on the train lately because of his podcasts so do yourself a favor and tune in!

I was up all night just a' worrin' 'bout the Dogman

2009-02-09T01:28:00.000-05:00

My friend Caitlin once met the former host of a top-rated radio talk show about conspiracy theories. He told her there are 3 great conspiracies left to date - he was then distracted and never finished his sentence. The identity of these 3 conspiracies plagues Caitlin to this day and keeps her tossing and turning each night. Not knowing how that man was going to finish his sentence no doubt tortures her and leads her to tear-filled break-downs in the middle of crowded sidewalks. Actually, I'm not positive that's how she feels but it is how I feel and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Last Saturday night, after I had climbed into my jammies and fixed myself a large glass of chocolate milk, I settled in to watch some History Channel before bed. Surprisingly, they weren't running anything KKK, Civil War or WWII related. They were running a documentary about the Michigan Dogman.

______________________________

The Dogman, though

he's never been touched

or even photographed,

has made 3 failed runs

at the position of

Michigan State's Attorney.

______________________________

The Michigan Dogman is a large dog who walks up-right around the woods of northern Michigan; striking stoic poses behind branches and making eye-contact with townspeople. The Dogman, though he's never been touched or even photographed, has made 3 failed runs at the position of Michigan State's Attorney.

While watching the cheap, 3D renderings of the Dogman's likeness, it became clear that this could be one of those top 3 conspiracies mentioned by the old radio host. Okay, fine, it seems like more of an urban legend but I got the impression that Dogman is a genetic mutation of JFK himself, making it a bonafide conspiracy! That fact wasn't implied at all in the documentary - but I'm sure that's only because the CIA shut them up.

During commercial breaks I decided to google conspiracy theories. I'm no expert, but here are some of my favorites:

1) Paul McCartney died in the mid-60s but the Beatles were too profitable to let a silly thing like death bring them down. Their record label replaced him - leaving John, George and Ringo no choice but to desperately drop hints of Paul's demise throughout their later recordings.

2) A group of black celebrities calling themselves the "Black Crusaders" are responsible for Dave Chapelle's apparent melt down 3 years ago. According to the theory, Dave awoke one night to find his wife passed out beside him, presumably drugged. Louis Farrahkan, Bill Cosby and Oprah aimed guns with large silencers at Dave's head and ordered him to leave the show, which they believed harmful to the black community.

3) George W. Bush, among several other government officials during his administration, is a lizard person.

I don't believe any of these for a second but do appreciate the frightened child in all of us who wants to suspend reality long enough to indulge in some madness. My frightened inner child came out full force while reading these and I didn't sleep at all that night.

If Chad had agreed to check our fire escape for the Dogman, I might have slept like a baby.

Joey Quote of the Day

2009-02-09T01:15:00.001-05:00

*vintage Joey and I

"That smoothie was so good I had to throw it up!"

'throw it up' meaning... 'throw yo' hands up if you like that smoothie! Hands in the ay-er if yous a true.... fan of smoothies!'

but it sounded like he meant physically throw it up.

get it?

barf.

we thought he meant barf.

Someone told me that tumblrs cut down on rambling. Perhaps something I should look in to?

Robbie Burns Part II: By Stephanie Land

2009-02-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

You may remember this. Well here are some other highlights!

So 2 Blondes Walk On To The Subway...

2009-02-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

I was on a crowded L train Saturday afternoon when two young ladies entered and sat down next to me. Their hair was dyed blonde, their accents were heavily West Virginian and they very loudly had the following conversation (keep in mind they were not laughing or smiling - just stating these facts):

FLAT IRONED BLONDE

Well, this is an adventure.

SLIGHTLY OLDER BLONDE

Yeah, tell me about it.

FLAT IRONED BLONDE

You know what I've noticed? Nobody around here has blonde hair.

SLIGHTLY OLDER BLONDE

I have not seen one blonde.

FLAT IRONED BLONDE

Everybody's got that dark eyes, slicked dark hair thing going on.

SLIGHTLY OLDER BLONDE

It's like Sopranos or something. Got a bunch of Paulies walking around.

FLAT IRONED BLONDE

Silvios.

SLIGHTLY OLDER BLONDE

Paulies and Tonys.

I love eavesdropping and even though I don't think of myself as a Silvio, they kind of have a point. Sometimes, New York does look like this:

Year of the Ox

2009-02-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, the year of the rat is officially over and according to the Chinese calendar that means my hardships, as a rat myself, are just about over. Year of the Ox will be full of hard work and after that I'll be home free, reaching my goals effortlessly - as if they are jars of peanut butter on the second shelf at Duane Read. (You give me my peanut butter, Duane Read, enough of this FDA bull crap!)

Last Monday, we went out to one of my favorite restaurants, Congee Village, to celebrate the new year. Nick and I once ate frog congee there - a week before I saw an episode of "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" focussing on that very dish from that very restaurant. It was a badge of honor. Nick's fiance, my good friend Alison, had the chocolate devil martini.

I want to share the video below because Sue Lee is a genius for pulling it off.

Also because you can hear my nerd laugh at the end.

But also because it looks like the camera crew from "Rosanne" crashed our dinner.

Oh, honey, and you KNOW that after all this -

Andrew, Bomo and I were bound to get RECKLESS down in Chinatown!
*ALL PHOTOS BY SUE LEE

WHY would you name a movie "FREE WILLY"?

2009-02-03T18:02:00.000-05:00

That just popped into my head.
Why name the whale Willy and then name the movie FREE Willy right before Lewinski-gate?
Why not name him Clyde?
Free Clyde?

Brian Williams Is A Gentleman

2009-02-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

Friday was a rough work day. I had nightmares about it all last night. However, on my way out of the building, New York's greatest gentleman boarded the elevator with me. I am speaking of Brian Williams of NBC's Nightly News, of course. As with most celebrities, I wouldn't have noticed him at all had he not entered with an eerily familiar mannerism (in this case, a distinctive hunch/head-cock) and initiated eye contact. He even smiled at me - a smile that said, "yes, you DO know me." I was beside myself with excitement. I watch his pod-cast every morning! And he's tall... a gentle giant, if you will.

On our way out of the elevator he was clearly in front of me - first in line to leave. He, however, held the door, turned to me and said, "please," while gesturing for me to exit. What a gentleman! Somehow, my faith in America was restored as if Obama himself had shaken my hand. I told Brian, "thank you," and he replied, "not at all."

I just thought everyone should know that he would never, in one million years, shout at his crew, "FUCK IT!!! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!"

Opinion Poll: How do you feel when you are walking through the a grimey subway station and suddenly smell something yummy?

2009-01-30T20:14:00.000-05:00

A) Delighted and ready to eat, of course!

B) Inquisitive - Did they open a delicious hot dog stand down here?

C) Nothing - if he isn't going to call, then I'm going to do up my hair and kick it with my girls!

D) Absolutely violated - is that a hamburger I smell or a hamburger that has passed through a homeless person's bowels? It's like how I'm afraid of serious children now because of "The Ring," "The Omen," and "The Exorcist." Please don't take hamburgers away from me, too!

You know how me and Dead Pirates get on...

2009-01-29T23:51:00.000-05:00

Alison Bennett sums up both my week and the Catholicism.

Robbie Burns Day: Reply to the Laddies!

2009-01-29T23:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever put on a black cocktail dress with tartan leggings and pretended to be an angsty female comedian from the 80s? Do men boo you while women praise you? If so, giving the "Reply to the Laddies" speech at your local Robbie Burns Day festivities just may be the leisure activity for you!

I was honored when my good friend, Nicole, asked me to give this speech at she and her boyfriend's annual Robbie Burns Day Dinner. Nicole always pulls of amazing feats but this time I must shamefully admit that I underestimated just how awesome she is. Upon my arrival, I was greeted by 70 dinner place settings; silverware, table clothes, candlesticks - the works! In her boyfriends apartment, no less! The scent of haggis hung in the air and an employee found on craigslist was kind enough to grab me a beer. Doug played bagpipes, people laughed, Nicole did her infamous one-handed push-ups on the dance floor - though I had a speech printed out, I found myself speechless. It was amazing!

So my speech... never have I stood in front of a crowd so vigorous. Drunk and vigorous. I guess on the heels of the most historical inauguration in our nation's history, everybody in American is expecting magic! and puppies! My speech went like this - A man screamed VAGINA at me and then the actual, real-live, writer of "Devil Wears Prada" approached me to say I was very funny. The emotions! The catharsis! People, I cry when someone on the subway says "excuse me" in a manner I perceive to be hostile. I cry every time my mom says she's proud of me! This Robbie Burns speech left me needing a 45 minutes of thoughtful solitude. But MAN! - WAS IT EVER WORTH IT?! (it was worth it... that's what my voice intonation would tell you if I were in your presence).

I had a great time preparing this speech and now, as seems to be the Burns Day tradition, I would like to share a transcript of my speech with all of you. My advice - think Scottish, think cheesy, and tell the traditional jokes while staying true to what you think is funny. "Stay true to yourself" is advice that always seems to pan out...

First, I think we all need to take a moment to thank our lovely, beautiful, charming, enchanting hostess, Nicole! She does it all, folks! Then there is Doug. He, of course, deserves twice the credit for he, much like Fred Astaire's charming Scottish partner - Ginger Rogers - does the same amount but backwards... and in a skirt! Seriously, you know what they say about every great woman. Behind her is a great man holding a sports illustrated, waiting to use the bathroom, wishing he hadn't gorged on haggis.

Which reminds me to thank the handsome young Jelson for his gracious toast to the ladies! He's got a biting humor but some of you may not know that he can also be quite the humanitarian. He donates large sums of money to charity but he's very humble and insists on remaining anonymous. Sometimes he doesn't even sign the checks!

I am honored to be here speaking to you all today but I have to say, I'm also surprised! I'm not Scottish in the slightest... I'm Sicilian – OUR greatest storyteller was Sofia Portrillo, as seen on the Golden Girls, “PICTURE IT! SICILY!”

But this day is about Scottland! It was a pleasure asking Jeeves about your culture and I learned that highlanders are more than just immortal! The first thing I wanted to know was what the HELL is haggis? I came across the history during my studies and I want to tell it here today. You see, Scottish men are frugal. Now, when it came to their sheep – they considered it an absolute atrocity to waste even an ounce. They used the sheep to the fullest! That it why we tonight are eating the heart, stomach and liver – it's the only part they weren't able to have sex with.

Oh the simple lads! Their child-like wander every time they wake up after a long, whiskey black out. “What happened?” they say, eyes wide. What trivial activities men find themselves involved with! I'm reminded of a story. A story near and dear to my heart. (beat)

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool an announces that it is very talented octopus who can plan any musical instrument in the world. Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. He bets 50 dollars to any man who can find an instrument the octopus can't play!

The first guy who took the bet gave the octopus a guitar. Well, immediately the octopus picked it up and began playing better than Eric Claptin and Slash combined! Guitar man pays up his 50 bucks.

So another guy approached with a trumpet. This time, the octopus busts out some Miles Davis shit and the room is blown away. The trumpet man pays up.

Well, it was then that a Scotsman handed the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbled with it for a minute and then sat down confused. “Ha!” says the Scot, “Can ye not play it?” The octopus looks at him and says, “play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pajamas off!!!”

How can we get one of you fine young men here tonight up on to the roof? Oh I know! Tell them the whiskey is on the house!

As most of you know, I am dating a very powerful president of something important. Last week, he was opening the local hospital and, as he does, making polite conversation to some of the patients in one of the new wards.

He said to the first patient, “how are you feeling my good man..:”  He replied, “well here's a hand my trusty fiere and here's a hand of mine,”

 He asked the same of the next patient  and the reply was............  "What dangers thou canst make us scorn. ”

3rd patient seemed to also be... a little nutty.  "A mans a man for a that and a that!"

Chad turned to the doctor in charge and asked if this was a psychiatric ward. "OH! No," he replied, "this is the burns unit!"

ROBBIE BURNS! A ladies man through and through! Much like the men in this room! Well, some of the men in this... a few of the... you guys are probably pretty thankful this place is full of whiskey, right?

But don't feel bad! Robbie Burns had poetry on his side.

My luve's like a red, red rose, 
That's newly sprung in June; 
My luve's like the melodie 
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

It's a simple as that, gentlemen! Robbie Burns just made you all look bad! BURN! That's where the phrase came from. You would be so jealous of him if he were in this room today. Not only a ladies man, he was invited to be an honorary member of every lodge or club he came within 10 feet of. Popular guy. I think he faked his own death like Tupac to escape the spotlight and now he owns a ranch up near Dumfries. Oh, the immortal highlander!

You lads should also note that Robert burns wrote the rights of woman in 1792, for miss fontenelle who presented it at the theatre royal in Dumfries - a theatre which is still in operation today and is one of the oldest and smallest working theatres in Britain.

  While Europe's eye is fixed on mighty things,  
the fate of empires and the fall of kings
 While quacks of state must each produce his plan,
 and even children lisp the rights of man, 
Amid this mighty fuss, just let me mention,
the rights of women merit some attention!

It's a step in the right direction, anyways! And women, be warey of the men tonight and if you must interact, keep these facts in mind! THIS is my warning!

- If these men appear sexy, caring and smart, give him a day or two. He'll be back to his usual self.
- Men are fun to argue with because EVEN if they win... they lose.

I think the men are done with me. Forgive them! They are so cheap, they hate having to pay attention.

So ladies, stand, and drink a toast
to the lads we honor most
they are heroes, strong and spartan
they are our heroes wearing Tartan!
Ladies, raise your glasses for a toast... to the laddies!!!

That there is a very very short clip of me giving this speech. I have to thank Doug, Nicole, Milaika, Ben Cochran and everyone else who gave me the dirty jokes, the inspiration and the confidence to take this speech to the Scotsmen!

To the Laddies!!!

Old People are Learning to Use Technology

2009-01-16T00:09:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, it looks like old people are learning to use technology. My dad is on youtube! He didn't make this video or post it or anything... but one of his peers did and that's pretty special!

Actually, my dad has known how to use computers for a very long time. He used to bring free, discarded computers home from work. He was a mechanical engineer at the time and true to his profession, the computers he presented to us were not very user friendly; meant for nerds who didn't mind learning command prompts in order to play hang man. Nothing but wordy, unintelligible yellow letters cluttering a black screen, as I recall, and after I got tired of hang man the only other use for the thing was writing up memoirs. Page upon page of my exotic, playground adventures outside Cedarbrook Elementary. Eventually I wrote a "Wizard of Oz" parody and thus my writing ambitions were sparked.

If my mom learned how to upload a youtube video, they would distribute a set number of tickets to congressmen for the occasion, Aretha Franklin would perform and every hotel in the area would sell out months in advance. (Trying to make an inauguration joke. My mom learning to use a computer would be a monumental occasion, is what I'm saying.)

I think my dad is goofy because sometimes he looks like Chachi and sometimes he looks like Fonzie.

Then he met my mom and turned into Disco Stu!

Things That Warm My Weary Bones

2009-01-15T01:23:00.001-05:00

I had a long, busy, somewhat frustrating day today.

What a whiny opening sentence. What I toootally meant to say was, "check out these things that made me smile!"

1) Alison's clever blog about our adventures.

2) My friend Bomo's album, "Reckless," taking the charts by storm. It's mostly about shedding your good boy image to get drunk and perform a drag show on the subway. When you think about it, isn't that what LIFE is mostly about?

3) Catching Corrine and Ryan's bad ass puppy dogs' guest appearance on the Real World. I saw them, immediately paused the TV and made Chad take a picture to send to Corrine for verification. I haven't even watched MTV in months and wouldn't you know it - the day I tune in, Bea and Leroy are there to greet me! I would know Bea and her sassy gold collar anywhere!

George W. Bush almost had me.

2009-01-13T01:13:00.000-05:00

I almost felt bad for him. I almost gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Today I watched him defend the last 8 years in his farewell news conference. He was snickering and sneering in a way that is usually reserved for super villains at the end of a movie... right before they loose their grip on the ledge of a building.

It made me sad. For him. For New Orleans. For the innocent people he destroyed. For the families to jerked around under the name of "9-11."

I don't feel bad for him anymore.

...has he just snapped? Was the pressure too much? Was 9-11 always on his tongue because it was the point in his term when he lost his grip on common sense and morality?

I'm going to see Will Farrell on Broadway next week. Maybe that will help me forget today's heartless press conference. Hopefully, it will remind me of the cute, innocent Bush that we, America, made-up and fantasized about together. Times were tough and we needed to have a laugh. I love us for that.

A Message from George W Bush by Will Ferrell

Set that DVR!

2009-01-08T00:38:00.000-05:00

Right now, I am watching a PBS special about "Killing Hitler." It reminded me of ANOTHER, slightly funnier PBS special Alison told me about a few weeks ago!

Make 'Em Laugh, a three day documentary about comedy in America, begins next Wednesday - January 14th!

A Christmas Story

2009-01-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

The holidays are over and I am back in Brooklyn. It's been almost a week. What do you say we take a walk down memory lane? My memory lane. Not yours. God no. MINE.

Chad's my boyfriend/travel buddy. We like to down bloody marys and then hop on planes. Which reminds me. FLYING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WAS A NIGHTMARE. However, it was worth it when we got to Cleveland, Ohio where the snow is fresh and the women go prancing around in it like idiots!

I was exhausted so I wanted to sleep in, but my sister woke me up like a beautiful ray of sunshine glistening off my bouffant hair.

I was hungry so my dad baked me a pizza pie. He looks guilty in this picture, like he stole that pizza. But he didn't! Unless he did and my mom was just covering for him! (pause for laughter)

My sister likes cats and drinks out of mugs bearing their likeness!

I look like a combination of my mom and my dad. Imagine that!

Chad stopped by to hang with the family!

As you can see in this picture, my family granted us the most uncomfortable, cramped seat in the house! You know what they say about Southern hospitality! They say it's in the south... not in Cleveland. Kidding Mama! (hold for close up of mother shaking her head, smiling slightly, thinking about how much she loves me)

We played so much foosball that we nearly broke the table! My mom won every match. She was so cocky about it that I'm sure I could have bet $1,000 and convinced her to play me with a blindfold over her eyes and one hand tied behind her back.

My head almost rolled off in this next picture!

And my sister did a yoga pose with Grandma Bryan!

After I left Ohio, I went to the Kaatskills for New Years with Caitlin, Eric and Chad. I got my first massage and haven't been the same since! So relaxing! It was supposed to be a couples session where you learn how to give your partner a good massage! However, Chad and I opted to sit in the hot tub during each other's massages instead of LEARNING like NERDS. WE'RE NOT NERDS!!! ...Chad and I stayed in the Flinstones sweet!

Chad sat under a mirror!

Then we walked through a graveyard in the snow... a beautiful graveyard at the base of a mountain. Hope I didn't wake up any zombies! (pause for laughter) (pause for audience to consider escape routes in the event of a zombie attack)

I included this picture because Ryan and I look adaaaaahrable (as someone from Long Island would say).
And now I'm back here watching Golden Girls. I'm sure at first people thought I was a hipster being nostalgic but I seriously watch that show everyday... multiple times a day. I've taken it too far. I imagine that I am Dorothy and that one day I'll be Sofia. Me and the Golden Girls. It's like Chad and Batman: a nerd made in heaven.

THE END

Not Lisa with an "S"

2008-12-21T13:37:00.000-05:00

3 years ago, I was a research intern at the Late Show. When Liza Minnelli was a guest, part of our research involved watching her famed 1972 performance "Liza with a Z" with the commentary on while taking notes. Before long every intern... music interns, production interns, talent interns, writing interns... had gathered around the television screen to listen to what crazy thing 60 year old, commentating Liza might say next.

I had never thought about Liza before that day but that night Joey called me from Ohio to recommend I rent "Liza with a Z" ASAP (not AZAP). I was tickled pink that two states away, my friend Joey had come to the same conclusion about Liza on his own: she's a national treasure.

The summer after my internship, Joey and Andrew both moved to New York. I had friends! Andrew and I endlessly discussed having a Liza-with-a-Z-with-the-commentary-on movie night but we were just too busy working or partying or suffering through sinus infections to make that dream a reality.

Last night, the dream came true.

I want to post the video below because everyone in front of my TV last night thought it was obvious that Beyonce's choreographer had referenced this performance. Strikingly similar to the Single Ladies dance? You decide.

In Chad's Dreams

2008-12-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was Chad's birthday and I made up the invites for the small dinner before the hectic birthday blow out at Richardson. I'm pretty proud of my photoshop skillz, yo.

Habit That I Need to Break:

2008-12-04T22:47:00.000-05:00

Rolling up my sleeves as I walk into restrooms.

"aaaalright, I'm goin' in!"

Predictable Improv

2008-12-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

I tried improv comedy a few weeks ago at the UCB (I'm up there on the far left).

My good friends Ryan and Andrew were running late so they jokingly decided that if they missed my show, they would just tell me they liked the scene I did about the penis. It would be a jolly lark, assuming something had been said about a penis. I'm sure they imagined me catching them in their lie but appreciating their humor none the less. Maybe they imagined I would jostle their hair and offer to buy them a beer afterwards.

However, they arrived on time and as they had predicted, I had decided to make my entire first scene about a penis. More specifically, I played a penis.

THE END

Little Italy, Black Friday - Evening

2008-11-30T22:59:00.000-05:00

Between Forbidden Planet and Pho Bang, Chad and I found ourselves smack in the middle of the Holidays. So this is Christmas... here we go again!

PS... the next night we saw the movie "Milk" and I have to say; I highly recommend. Bring tissues.

Thanksgiving '08, yo!

2008-11-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

On Thanksgiving morning, Chad, Saiman, Jessica and I volunteered for Meals on Wheels. It's something Chad had been wanting to do for a long time. Plus, at the very least, I seize every opportunity to show what a selfless and generous person I am.

When we arrived, there was a lot of sitting around and free coffee. We didn't know what to expect and when someone rolled out a large juke box and played about five seconds of Latin dance music, we were even more confused. Wasn't this supposed to be a senior dinner?

When the seniors finally arrived, things got hectic. As servers, we all felt a duty to make sure the seniors we had bonded with got their meals as soon as possible. Perhaps nobody took as much leadership as Saiman, who began to call his new senior friend his "client." Saiman's client could find Saiman from across the crowded gymnasium, make eye contact and communicate telepathically that he needed more coffee.

Because of volunteering I had done years ago, I was nervous the environment would be depressing but it was the exact opposite. Things burst into a Britney Spears video for the elderly. As dinner was winding down, the senior music director entered in a very tight gray suite, black turtle neck and black top hat - a complete costume change from earlier that morning. He brought with him the band - a tall black man in a red cape, gold top hat and trumpet (which he didn't actually play); an adorable, interpretive dancing, hippy woman in a flowing, tie-die dress; a man in plaid from head to toe; and a cute old woman in a flowery gown who could do very shocking high kicks. They sang a few songs including "New York, New York" (accompanied by a kick line) and "What a Wonderful World " (a jazzed up solo by the man in the red cape). I could try but I'm not sure words would do the performance justice. We were all speechless and cheering like we were at a Madonna concert (or Metalica, whatever your taste).

Near the end of the concert, a skinny old man in a tailored suite and MTV jacket entered, dancing the entire way to his table. He choose a young dance partner and cha-cha'd the rest of the lunch to the Latin juke box. I later found out he was 94 years old.

I left lunch feeling more in love with New York than ever.

Dinner in Crown Heights (I made the stuffing)

Dinner in Crown Heights made Sean's hair tall.
...and Chad did the "Single Ladies" dance. A little after-dinner entertainment, if you will.

Hardwork = apartment for which I'm beginning to feel favorable emotion

2008-11-30T21:16:00.000-05:00

The Fresh Maker

2008-11-30T16:09:00.000-05:00

In a dramatic turn of events which turned out to be the opposite of my freak-key incident, I got locked out of my apartment building last week. It was 12:30 at night and I was returning home from a Top Model finale party. The front deadbolt was locked - a lock that had not been locked in two years. I discovered at that moment that the key I had for it did not work.

No biggie, I thought, I will just call Chad. When Chad didn't answer after the third call, I decided to call Saiman and Dennis to see if Chad was out with them.

He was not. Clearly Chad was sleeping. "I can hear him snoring from here," Dennis said.

Then, my phone began to die. Ain't it the life?!

It was freezing out, so I walked to the bodega on the corner and began to browse the isles, dialing Chad every minute. I was calmly freaking out. Why hadn't the freaky-keys latched themselves to the lock the way they were designed to? What else were they good for?!

I decided to make sure Chad was actually home. I know him well, so I know he stops at the bodega almost every night on his way home. Usually, he buys water which drives me crazy given the fact that free water flows endlessly from our faucets. We live like royalty!

But I digress. Chad also makes conversation with the guys who run the bodega every time he stops in. It's interesting because these guys basically work for 9 months solid in the USA (7 days a week), then take the money they've earned and spend the remaining 3 months of the year relaxing in their home countries.

The cashier working this fateful night is my favorite. I always laugh to myself when I see him because I feel like he knows more about Chad and my relationship than anyone on the planet. He was there when Chad was a bachelor, stumbling into the bodega alone at 3am to pick up cigarettes. He was there the night Chad and I first kissed and had to flee the scene of the crime (where all of our coworkers were hanging out). We fled to the bodega and Chad bought water. He was also there a week later when Chad and I came back sober to buy turkey sandwiches and discuss the kiss that we had avoided talking about for a week. Then, this same cashier was there as I started to visit the bodega on my own; buying myself cleaning supplies, hummus and Lady of Guadalupe candles. Maybe I am imagining it but when the cashier and I smile at each other at the end of our transactions, I feel he knows Chad has finally gotten a girlfriend... and she has made him quit smoking.

So on this night, as I was desperate and locked out, I asked the cashier if Chad had been in - "you know, messy hair, thick glasses, brightly colored clothes." I reflected momentarily on the traits I had chosen to describe Chad. It was the first time I had really had to do that. The cashier couldn't remember Chad being in but he did happen to have the exact cell phone charger I needed!

While the phone was charging, I continued to awkwardly browse the isles. It occurred to me that Romeo would often throw tiny stones at Juliette's window to rouse her from her slumber. I picked up a pack of Mentos and told the cashier I would be right back.

So there I was, shivering, slinging Mentos at my bedroom window. Skinny hipster boys were laughing at me and I only successfully hit the window three times. No Chad. Dejected, I tossed the last Mento into my mouth. The fresh maker, indeed. As I walked away, I picked up one of the fallen Mentos from the sidewalk and winged it at the side of the building one last time. No magical-Mentos-ending here. Juliette was cheek deep in her own drool by now.

"Okay," I told the cashier as I picked up my phone, "I'm gonna go stay with my friend. Thanks for all of your help!"

Joey welcomed me back to his apartment with open arms. Back to the apartment he and I had shared almost a year ago, the apartment where I had watched Tyra act-a-fool earlier that night. He set me up on the couch and went to bed. 20 minutes later, just after 2am, Chad called me.

"Hey, babe, what's happening?" He said as if it were 3 in the afternoon and he was just checking in.

I hoped back in a cab and returned home. Mentos littered the sidewalk and Chad was waiting at the door. I felt homicidal (how dare he sleep so soundly!) but decided to spare his life. After all, that's what friends are for: Not killing you.

Dancing to the Weight, March 2007 - the days of friendship - before we fell in love and Chad locked me out in the cold.

Glade Candles... not sure I get it

2008-11-18T00:39:00.000-05:00

Has anybody seen those Glade candle commercials where a woman is just trying to make her house fancy and then her bitchy friends come over and make fun of her? They say, "oh, it's a French candle, right? Have you never heard of Glah-day?" Then they laugh and their classy friends stands there looking like she's about to cry?

I'm not sure I understand the marketing angle. Acknowledging that your product is known for being cheap by making fun of people who try to pass it off as being classy? I don't know... I think I get it. It's just taken more of my brain power than it should have tonight.

On a lighter note, I made myself some awesome brussels sprouts tonight using Chad and my secret ingredient - Jameson!

3 Nights of Halloween: this post is a drop in the bucket

2008-11-04T00:37:00.000-05:00

Recently, I dressed as Yetta Rosenberg from the Nanny for 3 nights in a row. I'm going to tell the story of possibly the most embarrassing of those nights.

Wednesday night some friends and I got together to watch Barack Obama's TV special. Of interest to me were Obama's green energy initiatives and the Grimaldis pizza Chad had brought in from DUMBO. I had three pieces of the pizza during the course of the special. While watching, we were all simultaneously getting ready for a costume party. Dennis greased up his Don Draper wig, Sean pumped up his Carrot Top muscles and Chad velcroed his Cookie Monster hat.

I had no idea that the first party we were stopping at was not a costume party at all. It was a fancy birthday party held at the Back Room on the LES. We looked like fools and immediately segregated ourselves. Dennis however, was more confident than ever. The wig acted as a catalyst to the Don Draper sensibilities Dennis already possessed (or the Marv Albert sensibilities, depending on what he looked like to you that night).

Maybe I was just nervous to be wearing such a ridiculous outfit to such a fancy occasion or maybe it was the three pieces of pizza I had wolfed down, but I started to feel stabbing pains in my gut. While hopping to the next party, I brought my concerns to the attention to the gentlemen accompanying me. I tried to equate my upset stomach to the old lady costume, hoping to lighten the situation.

"You have to take a shit?" Saiman asked, politely.

I panicked. "Maybe. Not yet."

"You want to stop by my place and take a shit?" Dennis offered.

"What's wrong with Mary?" Sean asked.

"She needs to take a shit." Saiman concluded sympathetically.

I decided to insist things were looking up, my stomach was no longer in pain, I had miraculously recovered and was ready to party.

"You can have some of my Chinese herbs." Dennis offered.

"Oh, dude, no..." Saiman said, the meaning of his reluctance lost on me.

"What? They work! I take them whenever I have to take a shit." Dennis argued.

Saiman agreed and the next thing I knew I had what looked like two rabbit droppings in my left hand and a class of water in my right.

"Just don't smell them. Just swallow them." Saiman warned, disgusted.

I took the pills and immediately began to fake my recovery, not wanting to broach the topic of my impending shit any further. The gentleman all stood around the kitchen waiting for something. I would like to emphasize that nobody was joking. Taking a shit mid-outing is common practice for men and I was merely joining their ranks. I suddenly felt that a dramatic moment was in order. I felt I should chop off my ponytail, wipe my tears and admit I was no longer a little girl.

I remained perched on the stool.

Dennis walked to his hallway and opened the bathroom door, beckoning me. "Go ahead, take a shit."

I refused again and insisted we move on. So we did. To the next party. It occurred to me that night that a watched pot never boils. What I mean is... I was constipated for two days after that.

THE END

VOTE!

2008-11-04T00:07:00.000-05:00

As I left the office tonight, I noticed a lot of spangling stars. I'm really on edge about this election. I would love to see Obama win but with democrats you never know. We're so lazy. If it's raining, we just. may. not. vote. Well, excuse me for a moment while I try to increase my google traffic:

Paris Hilton boobs Michael Jackson kittens cellular biology Iran PAParazzi cheese steak PAParazzi cheese steak philanthropy herpes JAZZZZZZ amber waves of grain

okay... I'm assuming those are all things Americans love to google. Now listen up...

GET YOUR BUMS OUT OF BED TOMORROW AND VOTE!!!