Dear Cleveland

Dear Cleveland,

Did you realize it's been four years? No? I've lived in New York for four years now. You know that. We both know that. Well, tonight... this is hard. I don't know how to tell you this. Shall I whip up some peanut butter cookies? No? Get to the point? Alright, I'll get to the point. Ugh... how to put this... I forgot to ask you to promise not to get mad. Will you agree to that now? No? Fair enough...

Tonight... I tried to be a Yankees fan. Calm down. Wait, hear me out. I didn't like it and it meant nothing to me. It's you I love, not them. It was like rooting for the Cobra Kai in Karate Kid... not like the feeling I get when I cheer for you, Cleveland! They're so entitled... like Darth Vader trying to make his own star. His own, star, baby! Who did he think he was? Being with them was like shopping for cheese products at Walmart when there is a sweet little Ma and Pa shop next door! I know... not a lot of Ma and Pa cheese shops in Cleveland. You get it, though. Cleveland has Ma and Pa bait shops. What if you bought your worms at Walmart, instead, and some smiling drone in a blue vest told you the worms were created in bulk on steroids?? It wasn't right with the Yankees. I felt cheap after! The whole thing meant nothing! With you, Cleveland... I feel the love.

And their boobs might look good but they are hard as rocks, mmmkaaaay??!!

Love you.

Call me when you're ready to talk.

I didn't mean that their boobs look good. I meant that all the Yankee's faces are weird looking in distinctly different ways from one another.

Cookies? Did you want those coooki....

okay, okay... call me...

xxxxxooooo,

Mary

Some Days in New York

Today I...

Woke up to the sound of Rosie Perez's guard dog barking its head off... only its head remained intact enabling it to continue barking. This was also the sound I fell asleep to... and woke up to at various times throughout the night.

Caught a glimpse of Chad walking to work with a coffee in his hand while I was riding by on the bus. Spotting a friend or loved one on the street when they think nobody is looking is like spotting a rare frog in the rainforest... that's hard to do, right? Seeing a rare frog? But awe-inspiring if you do it? Cause I'm trying to equate it to seeing a friend on the street... you get what I mean...

Sat next to a guy on the morning train and, just my luck, he had an old smuckers jar full of what seemed to be urine. I say this because that's what it looked like and I was overcome by a disgustingly sweet, asparagus laden, urine smell that featured a tinge of grape jelly scent. I dealt with this smell until he tucked the jar away into a fat briefcase (the only other item in the briefcase was a really old, thick book).

Forgot to pack my lunch and ended up spending 12 dollars on an egg salad sandwich, a small bag of chips and a bottle of lemonade. I love working in a tourist attraction.

Worked until pretty late and came home intending to keep working... but turns out there was also an Office marathon on TBS. You'd be surprised how few episodes of that show I've actually seen! Guess this means I'm going in a few hours early tomorrow... unless there's an Office marathon on in the morning, too! Just kidding... I know the only good sitcom that has a marathon tomorrow morning is the Golden Girls. That's why I stay as far away from my TV as possible during my morning routine. 1) I'd be late for work every day, watching Golden Girls 2) It'd inspire me to try to pull Sophia one-liners all day at work until one of my coworkers asks if I've been drinking.

Purchased a box of pasta and began to make myself dinner... but then I noticed the box was full of live maggots.

Was moved by a commercial and almost thought Binder and Binder had come to their senses and hired a new advertising agency... until their fugly logo popped up on the screen and the guy in the cowboy hat assured me he would go to court and get me the medical settlement I deserve, without costing me my dignity. I guess it won't cost my dignity because he is spending his on my behalf.

Lunch Time MJ Medley!

Thanks to Emilie for bringing this to my attention and showing me the meaning of high art!

Obama Gets Kanye'd

Joe Wilson is a Hate-Filled Relic

This op-ed column by Maureen Dowd knows what's up.

Joe Wilson is a hate-filled relic so before you slap those "you lie" bumper stickers on your car, think about the moral standards you're affiliating yourself with. I don't care if your views are Republican or Democrat, they should never be disrespectful and racist. Bush managed to kill thousands upon thousands of Americans and innocent people around the world based on a very well documented lie and Democrats still managed to sit in the chamber and show him respect while he was perpetuating that lie on national television... remember that... just sayin...

And again, read the op-ed column because it makes good points.

You can write to Joe Wilson by clicking here.

Slap Chop Remix on TV

I might just be updating my blog because I have real work to do and I'm procrastinating... but that shouldn't stop you from checking out this Slap Chop Remix.

I have the TV on mute because I'm trying to work. This video came on and, without sound, it was extremely disorienting. Especially when the fly girl in the pink pants comes in and starts dancing. I thought I'd done lost my mind!

Is that Shaq I see???

She might be from PA, but Alison knows what's up! Cavaliers 2010! King James gets some Shaqsistance!

September 11, 2009

Never Forget kinda becomes a punch line sometimes because 1) it gets said every time even one person has to deal with something painful, even if that pain is having somebody cut in front of you in line while waiting to see "The Dark Knight" and 2) the Bush administration. They kinda turned it into a punch line for people bitter with Bush's lack of reasoning.

But seriously, guys, let's never forget. In May 2001, I lived in Ohio and my junior social studies class had to give reports on "threats to America." I got stuck giving a report on Osama Bin Laden and, frankly, I was pissed off about it because I didn't know who he was and he sounded like a quack who wasn't a threat at all. Other kids got things like droughts or gun control and I got stuck with a no-name who looked homeless.

I researched Bin Laden and found interviews well known American journalists had done with him FACE TO FACE. Interviews in which Bin Laden was basically saying, "I want you to die." It shocked me. It scared me. In May 2001, terrorism was something a crazy hick in Oklahoma City did or somebody I barely understood in a land far far away did to embassies. For some reason, I never thought that there was a whole group of people who passionately wanted me dead because of my nationality. I honestly thought people in other countries liked Michael Jackson, Seinfeld and hamburgers and therefore LOVED America. End of story.

Even on September 11, 2001, I was convinced 2 planes had accidentally flown into those buildings. I thought it was some glitch in flight patterns. It wasn't until a New Yorker, covered in dust after the collapse of WTC1, found a news camera broadcasting live to my math class screamed, "We will find who did this and make them pay!" that I realized there was foul play involved. It was chilling. I cried all night and when Osama Bin Laden took responsibility, I was shocked. I think I was shocked for years. I stopped watching the news altogether until around March 2003 when I was all like, "...hey, wait a second..."

Now I live in New York and I've met people who's families were directly effected by this. I've had friends go to war for vague reasons and come back confused and scared, actually, so I guess I've known people directly effected by this for a long time. I'm thankful for them because even though I don't understand how to fight terrorism, I still feel afraid sometimes and am glad somebody is out there trying.

Slowly I've come to realize the meaning of "Never Forget." I don't want to forget how I felt before all this happened and I want to tell my friends' kids* that they need to work towards an America they can feel proud of abroad and safe in while they are at home. That's how I used to feel... and even though I felt that way under OBVIOUSLY false pretenses, I want them to work towards having that feeling about their country for real. It was a nice feeling.

I mean, Japan was hard to like and politically complicated after WWII and now they kinda look like the happiest place on earth... is that related to what I'm saying here? I don't really know... but it's true, right?

Anyways... a 9/11 blog post was never gonna make you guys laugh. Sorry. I guess I'm just not ready for 9/11 to turn into a cliche and I'm also not ready for 9/11 to turn into a reason for people to feign drama through movies, facebook statuses ("I had just finished taking a shower when I found out about 9/11. Never forget how I was in the shower on 9/11.") or even conspiracy websites. Ugh... I just want us to keep moving forward and honor 9/11 victims through community and bipartisanship. The day of service thing was a GREAT idea. Because right now, if tragedy were to strike again, I just feel like the sense of love and community wouldn't be there like it was 8 years ago... and man... I'm not ready to give up on this country just yet.

Let's stop fighting and help each other out; fall in love with each other again. Republicans, don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said after Clinton you'd be back again, oh baby? Baby baby baby baby oh baby... let's fix healthcare and provide it to all Americans through a public plan. (only don't ever use health care and 9/11 in the same train of thought like I just did. That's ain't right.)

Obama, can you handle that? Or is America too bootilicious for you, babe?

picture pulled from http://gentlebear.wordpress.com/2009/01/

*ME have kids? Ew... give me some time to think about it.

"Make It Go Viral"

My Uncle Ed always sends youtube links with only one request - "Make it go viral."

I'm gonna try!

Cockle Doodle Deity

The other day, I visited the Bronx Zoo for the first time. And wouldn't you know it, I ran into my boss! The NBC peacock himself! I've been craving thanksgiving dinner ever since!

Say, Peacock, I heard about this Jay Leno business. Any chance you'll reconsider?

UPDATE: the photo-op was all my BFF Alison's idea, using her new iphone... and holy crap, she's getting married next weekend! ("she's getting married???" - Chad)